Today I post for the first time in about 3-4 years. I think it's time to share some of my final ending's to this blog. I lost my girls in April 2009 almost 13 yrs. ago due to my disability of Aspergers despite being of normal intelligence & high functioning. I was under a case plan as I was raising TWO autistic girls my then 10 yr. old is at one end of the rainbow lower funtioning then my second daughter 11 is at the other end very high funtioning. Most with these illegal court systems I am no different then millions of other families who are used & abused by the foster care system. I had attorney's tell me "Linda, you got screwed." and "They never offered you a reunification plan." So for 6 years I endured fighting the system with over 18 different attorney's including myself for a year, yep you heard that right I was denied an attorney & had to stand in as my own for an entire year, but I can't be a mother ??
Life certainly isn't fair or right but with the good Lord's help I survived !! Well fast forward to November 2021 I have been raising my youngest now since 2014 next month she will be 23. We have rebuilt our loving tight bond we always had but sadly she has autism/mild cerebral palsy & the abuse, neglect, & keeping her from me for a year & a half even without phone calls all due to a FALSIFIED REPORT that we all know CPS is well known for. She still struggles with meltdowns, she's been in therapy long term but can't seem to let the pain & suffering she was made to endure in many homes let it go. I just love her & pray that God will heal her mind, body & soul. Otherwise she went to a continuation school to help her with living skills & obtaining a job which one she has surpassed one despite this darn pandemic, she works at Chuckie E. Cheese her most favorite place on earth it was her dream job~!! She did college classes & is surely very happy to be back home with her momma. She has become my memory on my losing one as I had her at 38 so I will be 59 this month so we work together well. 💓
Now onto my second daughter which was two days shy of turning 12 when taken, it wasn't my plan for it to be like that. Raising two autistic girls & being autistic myself was alot on one person's plate but I wished I could of maintained it alone but it was hard with two girls at two different ends of the spectrum. Despite her getting out of the system @ 18 she chose a different route still unknown to me or her sister's. Well let me back up at 13 social services gave her the choice whether to choose to see me & have a relationship with & she chose NOT to. She went on to graduate 4 years at UCLA & got her a degree & then moved down to Cal Poly Technical & earned another degree and has a job in her perfession.
Sadly for me as a mom I am 💔 because it's been about 13 yrs. now we have had no contact again by her choice. She has traveled the world in whatever she was doing for school & I pray daily for her in everyway & it may not feel like this to her but I feel like my daughter died even though she is very much alive. She is a grown women now 24 and lives her life by her standards which I have no clue. I love her very much & miss her more then life itself. I am very proud of her for all her accomplishments. I am just very sad she never wanted us apart of them. I know as a parent I gave up my life to raise them after their father & I divorced. My youngest blaims herself because she has heard me say being a preemie & health issues my focus was on her a lot more. I told her that it wasn't her fault God made them BOTH special in his own way. Remember how people say it takes a village to raise kids well sadly my village never came so I have asked for forgiveness from my older child & have accepted the blaim but God doesn't give you more then you can handle but at times I feel he did but one thing I will go to my grave with is God knows I did my absolute best as a single mother. I taught them about Jesus taking them to church & modeling how he wants us to act like him. Feeding a homeless women even when this daughter at 6 asked why are we doing this momma ? Because she's hungry & Jesus would feed her. Taking this daughter back 20 miles to a indian store she stoled some rocks from & the store owner looked at me in shock & says we don't see parent's like you. Not moving men in after my divorces. I remember taking them both before I lost them to get happy meals then brought them home and sat them down in front of the t.v. to eat those happy meals while watching a Dr. Phil that had a mother living out of her car with her kids, showing her son eating from the garbarge to instill thankfulness in there hearts & to know how much they were loved.
I was just sitting here the other day thinking man I am almost 60 where did my life go, but I wouldn't change a thing I wanted all 3 of my daughter's. Yes I will mention I have a wonderful, loving, awesome daughter who is from my first marriage & 37, she's married but devotes much of her own life helping me & my youngest out. I thank God everyday for her & thankful for the time he gives & gave me with each one of them as life is short & goes by faster & faster each year so live, laugh & love as much as possible while you can. My middle daughter isn't dead she is very much alive but 13 yrs. seems forever to me to not embrace her, love her & just hang out with her so this is why I am ending this with adding this video. Not a huge Bieber fan but love Diane Keaton & this song touched me in a profound way because I feel like I am mourning the death of a child. Montanna Arianna Souza this is for you~!!
