I have come a long way from where I was and I would of never dreamed in finding out @ 46 yrs. of age I had Aspergers that it would cause such a cast of judgement on my ability to parent.
In life we cannot pick our family, our siblings, or even our extended family but you know your being analyzed when your children are taken from you at the most vulnerable time, when you need someone to go the extra mile for you and have a saving hand in a situation or crisis.
In my walk I have learned much and I have given up my fears for something better, my wonderful awesome savior Jesus Christ whom due to this once tragedy has brought me to my knees a dead stop in my walk, to listen and learn about what really matters in our lifetime.
I was such a awesome mom that I forgot about who Linda was but in all this I have rediscovered a wonderful creation I was meant to be and with it I have grown in patience, love, grace, peace and much character. If we just breathe and believe that is enough~!!
I have walked many miles in this almost 3 year journey but in it all God has had a perfect plan and through it I have also learned to see people through the eyes of love simply because autistic people have different perceptions of the way we see things and I used to see things or people in a negative manner with no patience but I have so changed and how I know this is my spirit has taught me to take a moment to pause the button and see them in a different way and you know what it feels great~!!
I am not going to sit here and talk bitterness about what I have been through because that does me no good but what I will say is how much I have accepted myself in a more positive way. I am by far a nobody just because I didn't graduate out of the Julliard school of music doesn't mean I am not musical.
I am very musical, in fact I hear the strum of a guitar in such a way I was able to write my own music and songs at one time. So because we choose to look @ people with judgement is our own fault because when you learn to put on your eyes of love it's a whole other picture. I always for years used to carry around a wallet size saying I acquired, it was the verse about if you live with condemnation you will learn to condemn, and if you live with fear you will become fearful and this was a reminder for me in the way I raised my own children but having Aspergers does tweak it in a way were not clear to see ourselves as others perceive us so it did affect my friendships as I was growing up and then I became a mother and consumed myself with that, which was good in some ways as my girls never missed out on nothing or ever longed for a qualified parent but the down side was I forgot about the MOST IMPORTANT PERSON myself~!!
This is why we must travel for so long in life to really figure out how to live. I have no guilt in what has now become my life, because I took care of the most important people in my life (at the time I thought was the right thing to do) and instilled morals, values, happiness, goodness and I believe still today despite our separation there is still a small flicker of light that flows within all our hearts for each other and God will take care of the rest. So as you start your day and get frustrated with your son, daughter, people or animals take a moment to hit the PAUSE button and take a few deep breaths and remember if you don't take care of yourself first, you will never truly be able for long term to take care of everybody else~!! Use your eyes of love to see what's in front of you before calling judgment. Remember were all in this together~!!
Stay blessed in him & hug your children tightly~!!
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