TO MY DAUGHTER, MONTANNA

 Today I post for the first time in about 3-4 years. I think it's time to share some of my final ending's to this blog. I lost my girls in April 2009 almost 13 yrs. ago due to my disability of Aspergers despite being of normal intelligence & high functioning. I was under a case plan as I was raising TWO autistic girls my then 10 yr. old is at one end of the rainbow lower funtioning then my second daughter 11 is at the other end very high funtioning. Most with these illegal court systems I am no different then millions of other families who are used & abused by the foster care system. I had attorney's tell me "Linda, you got screwed." and "They never offered you a reunification plan." So for 6 years I endured fighting the system with over 18 different attorney's including myself for a year, yep you heard that right I was denied an attorney & had to stand in as my own for an entire year, but I can't be a mother ??

 Life certainly isn't fair or right but with the good Lord's help I survived !! Well fast forward to November 2021 I have been raising my youngest now since 2014 next month she will be 23. We have rebuilt our loving tight bond we always had but sadly she has autism/mild cerebral palsy & the abuse, neglect, & keeping her from me for a year & a half even without phone calls all due to a FALSIFIED REPORT that we all know CPS is well known for. She still struggles with meltdowns,  she's been in therapy long term but can't seem to let the pain & suffering she was made to endure in many homes let it go. I just love her & pray that God will heal her mind, body & soul. Otherwise she went to a continuation school to help her with living skills & obtaining a job which one she has surpassed one despite this darn pandemic, she works at Chuckie E. Cheese her most favorite place on earth it was her dream job~!! She did college classes & is surely very happy to be back home with her momma. She has become my memory on my losing one as I had her at 38 so I will be 59 this month so we work together well. 💓

Now onto my second daughter which was two days shy of turning 12 when taken, it wasn't my plan for it to be like that. Raising two autistic girls & being autistic myself was alot on one person's plate but I wished I could of maintained it alone but it was hard with two girls at two different ends of the spectrum. Despite her getting out of the system @ 18 she chose a different route still unknown to me or her sister's. Well let me back up at 13 social services gave her the choice whether to choose to see me & have a relationship with & she chose NOT to. She went on to graduate 4 years at UCLA & got her a degree & then moved down to Cal Poly Technical & earned another degree and has a job in her perfession.

 Sadly for me as a mom I am 💔 because it's been about 13 yrs. now we have had no contact again by her choice. She has traveled the world in whatever she was doing for school & I pray daily for her in everyway & it may not feel like this to her but I feel like my daughter died even though she is very much alive. She is a grown women now 24 and lives her life by her standards which I have no clue. I love her very much & miss her more then life itself. I am very proud of her for all her accomplishments. I am just very sad she never wanted us apart of them. I know as a parent I gave up my life to raise them after their father & I divorced. My youngest blaims herself because she has heard me say being a preemie & health issues my focus was on her a lot more. I told her that it wasn't her fault God made them BOTH special in his own way. Remember how people say it takes a village to raise kids well sadly my village never came so I have asked for forgiveness from my older child & have accepted the blaim but God doesn't give you more then you can handle but at times I feel he did but one thing I will go to my grave with is God knows I did my absolute best as a single mother. I taught them about Jesus taking them to church & modeling how he wants us to act like him. Feeding a homeless women even when this daughter at 6 asked why are we doing this momma ? Because she's hungry & Jesus would feed her. Taking this daughter back 20 miles to a indian store she stoled some rocks from & the store owner looked at me in shock & says we don't see parent's like you. Not moving men in after my divorces. I remember taking them both before I lost them to get happy meals then brought them home and sat them down in front of the t.v. to eat those happy meals while watching a Dr. Phil that had a mother living out of her car with her kids, showing her son eating from the garbarge to instill thankfulness in there hearts & to know how much they were loved.

 I was just sitting here the other day thinking man I am almost 60 where did my life go, but I wouldn't change a thing I wanted all 3 of my daughter's. Yes I will mention I have a wonderful, loving, awesome daughter who is from my first marriage & 37, she's married but devotes much of her own life helping me & my youngest out. I thank God everyday for her & thankful for the time he gives & gave me with each one of them as life is short & goes by faster & faster each year so live, laugh & love as much as possible while you can. My middle daughter isn't dead she is very much alive but 13 yrs. seems forever to me to not embrace her, love her & just hang out with her so this is why I am ending this with adding this video. Not a huge Bieber fan but love Diane Keaton & this song touched me in a profound way because I feel like I am mourning the death of a child. Montanna Arianna Souza this is for you~!!

We took Shellbe on a road-trip to Oregon but told her we were heading to a BIG carnival in Oregon. We all stayed in the Sheridan hotel the night before. All was good as Amber & I hid it well. So the next morning arrives and we go down to have breakfast and enjoy our time knowing they didn't open til 10:00 a.m. ROLOFF FARMS. We headed just 15 minutes away from the hotel she was relaxed but asking why did we have to come to Oregon to go to a Halloween carnival ?
I told her this was a very "special" one~!! As we started down the dirt road with pumpkins signs everywhere, I asked "Shellbe do you see the carnival yet." She replied "No." I said "Because we are going down the path to Rolloff Farms, little people big world." A scream as loud as thunder came out of her and she rolled around in the back seat with so much excitement it was all caught on video I will upload on my Facebook page & the Roloff Farms page. I have promised Shellbe this trip long before she was kidnapped by CPS. She & I have watched this show together since the oldest were teenagers now there 27. It was a dream come true for her as when we pulled into the parking lot she jumped out of the car leaving me in the dust. She was so eager to meet all the Roloffs she could. Once getting her calmed down and seen a bit of the farm, she spots Amy Roloff not knowing there was a line she bolted up to her and said hi, I took a quick snapshot and apologized to all in line. Nobody noticed though. So as we went and saw all the fun things they had to do there it was better then a fair. Then I heard Matt was riding around on his mule buggy so captured a shot of him but was to busy running his farm he said "be back later." We went on the tour around most of there 108 acres I believe where there houses, play yards, soccer field, tennis & basketball caged area was & of course the sheriffs station. The huge pirate ship that was recently restored. So after visiting the store a second time we run into Lisa which is Amy's BFF & boy did Shellbe talk her ears off, but she loved Shellbe's curly hair. She is a very sweet women so we got pics of them. Then we found Caryn who is now Matt's girlfriend and naturally Shellbe wanted to chat a bit with her and have her sign her shirt. She to was a lovely lady & Matt's girlfriend. So as we just sat down to rest by the tractors that had taken us around someone said "Jeremy is driving one of the tractors." so I look and there he is so I slide Shellbe through a side gate and say "Jeremy please my daughter really wants to meet you so he said "Sure." we got a few pics and I told him congrats on Ember Jean and God bless them, what a gentleman. Our service dog even enjoyed the activities that day. As it was getting late we had heard Zack was there earlier but went home due to not feeling well and Shellbe was bummed because she really wanted to meet him because he is "different" like her with her autism. So as we were getting ready to leave we talked to Lisa one last time to relay a message to Zack how much she missed seeing him. Then she wanted to find out about a private tour with just a Roloff so we found Caryn again at the info booth. Well unbeknownst to Shellbe I called Rolloffs farms twice telling them we were coming clear from Kirkland, Wa about 4 hours away and said a bit about Shellbe's foster care story & gave them this blog and said she just wants to see someone~!! Well Amber asked if it were possible to meet Matt, and Caryn paused and said "Oh my gosh, your the ones that called about this little girl." I said "Yep that would be me." She said "Absolutely, you will get a personal VIP pass by me as he would be mobbed if he came out. She radioed Matt to come to the back by the tractors and he said "Already here getting Jeremy some food he's in a grumpy mood hasn't eaten." So we go around the back and Matt's on his mule and Shellbe goes up and hugs him and he say's "Aww sweet." she was elated to say the very least. We got some great shots. So it was all worth the surprise of a lifetime to her. We said our goodbyes & left. I was so happy I could make-up for what the county stole from my precious girl. She doesn't want to wash her shirt thinking there signatures will come off. Yesterday we sent off them some pictures & Shellbe wrote everyone a thank you note it was sweet. She has such a huge 💖 for people with differences like herself.

                                         Thanks, Roloffs

 
                                                                             

                                                                     

                                                            

I wanted to update & post that in April 2018 will make 9 years this blog has been on the internet & on the 17th of April 2018 will make 9 yrs. ago my two autistic girls whom are now women almost 19 & 20 were literally kidnapped from me by a very,very,very, corrupt CPS system. I was kept from my girls for long periods of time, including an entire year and a half for a falsified report written by a social worker. It all started by me going in on a 72 hour hold due to my depression, only later at 46 being diagnosed myself with Aspergers. They literally used my disability to keep me from my girls~!! I was never a danger to them, it was my own self who needed help but like veterans didn't get it but instead I was treated like a animal, thrown into a dirty cell going into a full blown anxiety attack, laying on the floor and gasping at the bottom of the door for air. I fell while in there hospital and instead of being helped up I heard a nurse tell another "Look what that stupid bitch went & did "laughing at me." I got myself up off the floor. After my 72 hours were over, I was thrown out the door without a follow up plan~!!! In the meantime my girls were taken to a disgusting holding place before finding them homes because they knew & planned all along I wasn't getting them back. My adult daughter flew down from Washington to take them & free my service dog from almost being adopted where she was dumped at the humane society. My parents had even offered to drive the 4 hours to pick them up but were refused. I had no idea this would turn into a nightmare this long. When me & my oldest Amber went to get the girls, the social worker nastily says "You think your getting your girls back." "I said of course, I didn't hurt my girls." She responded "Well, will see about that!" There the deal was sealed and I had no idea. I didn't get my girls or at least 1 back for 6 long years. I was forced to endure so much heartache & pain with their creative games, like telling me to show up for a visit and after the 35 minute drive with food I brought to feed them I was told they cancelled the visit. Or when I went on a visit and saw abuse on my youngest (more autistic) daughter of bruising, ridiculous long toenails & fingernails, skin rashes, smashed fingers & toes and heard the horror stories of her being abused in 5 different homes. I decided to document it and place it on the internet this very blog (if you go back far enough you can see them.)
 I was held in contempt of court for not removing the blog and sent to jail for an entire week. I was NEVER offered reunification despite my own efforts of going to parenting classes NOT COURT ORDERED, SPENDING TWO WEEKS IN A HALFWAY HOUSE TO BETTER UNDERSTAND MY DISABILITY, & LAST TAKING A WEEKEND SEMINAR CLASS AT SAN DIEGO STATE UNIVERSITY FOR PARENTING SPECIAL NEEDS CHILDREN~ALL PRESENTED TO THE COURT~!! Nothing pleased them because they had no intentions of returning my girls to me. My middle child was given the option to come to visit's or not and she opted out of coming, only after our last visit at 13 yrs. old. I was previously called by a social worker and told she had been sexually assaulted at a unsupervised pool party by CPS so when she came to visit alone without her little sister, I asked her what had happened she said nothing to me but the social worker spoke up and said "Ask her another question about that and this visit is over." That was my last visit with my daughter who will be 21 in April 2-days after this mess started but do you know what Stockholm Syndrome is ? It is TRUE BRAINWASHING~!!  I have had no contact with her in 8 yrs. She got her foster care scholarship and went onto UCLA leaving her sister's and I in the dust completely~!!! I don't blame her, as she was just a child when kidnapped but it does break all of our hearts. Now my youngest came back to my adult daughter at 16 and Amber got guardianship for a year she raised her on her own and despite the San Diego welfare making her get certified as a foster mom in this state of Washington which she did, they said they would pay her, well they didn't my daughter raised her for a year on her own dime~!!! The good news is I am now up here in Washington 3 yrs. now with my oldest Amber & my youngest Shellbe whom was kidnapped. Montanna resides at UCLA. Shellbe & I were diagnosed with P.T.S.D. and have been in therapy the last year & a half now still trying to recover. This ALMOST costed me my life by suicide but God had other plans. It has in fact taken it's toll on my physical health. Shellbe still suffers great separation anxiety but she was recently baptized and we know we have a powerful, loving, gracious & giving God. We are together, were happy and tighter then ever before thanks to Jesus. Amber was married last September to a wonderful guy Rick Stilwell and there always there for Shellbe & I, just as much as my glorious heavenly father. So my point~If you will just believe in him ANYTHING is possible~!! NEVER, EVER GIVE UP OR IN~!!!!  Thanks for reading & God bless you.

Sia - Never Give Up (Official Video) This movie brought hope to my soul.

This movie helped me decide I cannot stress for my daughter to remember where her roots came from. It gave me great hope praying God will open her heart to search for her first real true biological ties she was taken away from & was forced to learn different. God bless & keep you my darling Montanna Arianna Souza. I will NEVER GIVE UP~!!!!!!!!!!!

** AMERICA FACE IT OUR GOVERNMENT IS CROOKED NO MATTER WHO IS PRESIDENT~!! **

****** UPDATE ******

I got my precious daughter back AFTER 6 years in the system. I was lucky in some matter but we today are both in therapy 2x a week for severe P.T.S.D. the scars trapped in my daughter's mind of the abuse she went through still 8 years later plague us with memories that cause depression,sadness & extreme stress to manage moving our lives forward. THANK GOD,my precious daughter was not murdered, beaten or left to starve to death but being a survivor of domestic violence myself sometimes the bruises are not as bad as the daily words used to push your self esteem so deep down you just can't get back up. We, just like millions of other families have gone through loose there children not because there bad parents but because this is what Bill Bowen said before his death "She was a special needs child, in CPS lingo, meaning she was worth over $6,000 per month to CPS in Oregon in federal funds. CPS Oregon continued drawing that $6,000 plus per month long after that child was dead." My 2 autistic girls were autistic now I know why I was never returned my girls until after the oldest turned 18 but sadly she was so brainwashed we have had no contact in 5 yrs. she was 2 days shy of turning 12 she will turn 20 in April (If she is still alive.) My youngest was 10 and now 18 and with me but we both still struggle. She was tortured by fear and lives in it EVERY SINGLE DAY~!!!!!! CPS is a rich federal run government agency that will NEVER CEASE to die themselves~!! I move on each day by the thankfulness my youngest is back in my arms but for others there not as fortunate and my prayers are with you all.

www.aspiemomto3girls.blogspot.com is my story and I was held in contempt for this blog, going to jail a week for not taking it off the internet 8 years later it still remains and both my daughters cases are now closed because there over 18 the State of California are not paid the $6,000 or more a month~!!!!!

http://medicalkidnap.com/2015/02/10/filmmaker-was-documenting-abuses-in-cps-and-children-murdered-under-state-custody-before-he-died/

A PRAYER FOR SELENA GOMEZ FROM SHELLBE SOUZA IN WASHINGTON STATE

                                                                        

I am writing this blog per requested by my 17 yr. old autistic daughter Shellbe. She wants to do a shout out & say a prayer to her idol & role model SELENA GOMEZ.

Shellbe got tickets to her revival tour because her mom found some on a special site called "Be neighborly Kirkland" where we live in Washington. Shellbe was a victim of kidnapping & abuse at the hands of CPS & there ability of power. She was abused and kept from her mother for 6 years. So now that were happily together and moving on, Shellbe never got to do anything fun, while others in the homes went to Disneyland & such she was made to stay home. So this was my treat despite living below poverty I wanted Shellbe to experience life. So I found out Selena was coming to Seattle and got these cheap seats way up high but it was for her & it was her very first concert. Since the concert in May 2016 Shellbe has become very upset over the recent news of Selena being sick. She researches everything, so she looked up Lupus and asked me can she die from this, I said only if Jesus wants to take her. Shellbe shared with me, that inspired her to want this blog written. She only reads at a 1st grade level and can only write her name but she has a lot to say in that brain of hers. She told me "Mom you know that song Selena sing's 14 karat, well she is worth that and more in God's eyes huh." I said "Of course." She said "That's why I like her as my role model, does she know she is worth more then 14 karat's to God ?" "I hope & pray she does." I responded. "Can I send her a tweet and tell her I am proud of her & praying for her, mom ?" Shellbe asked. As I sat quietly, I watched the wheels turning in her head and a few moments later Shellbe said "Mom, can I tell Selena how much I am praying for her and want everyone else to do the same?" "Yes I replied to her." About 30 minutes went by and she returned to me and stated "Mom I found this scripture for Selena, can you put it in the blog so she can read it, then she will know how much God is taking care of her." "Sure I said, with a cheerful smile." Selena here is her scripture she wants you to read. "Be of good courage, and he shall strengthen your heart, all ye that hope in the Lord." Psalm 31:24 Shellbe knows what she is talking about because Shellbe was touched by a angel in foster care 2 times. Now even though she said she was afraid of her wings, she noted the angel was beautiful & wanted to comfort her by asking to hug her. Now a lot of you may not believe but I do because she was non-verbal the first time it happened but told me everything including her name, well years later in another abusive situation the very same angel with the same name came again to comfort her while she was alone in foster care. God does love us all and has "his way" of keeping us safe & protected. Selena, there is one last thing Shellbe wants you to know. She took a picture by your big poster's at the concert and your hanging on her pink walls in her bedroom. Now she doesn't have but a couple of friends and has never looked up to someone she didn't really know but you impacted her life by just being who you are as an example, so as her mom I thank you for that. Take care of your health priority and move on from the lost soul JB as you are far more worth 14K and don't forget it~!!!!!! Blessings my friend.
                        Love you, Linda & Shellbe

                                            
                                              

A letter to my darling daughter, MONTANNA ARIANNA SOUZA

Well today is another day as in everyday. I am heartbroken to share that it has been almost 4 yrs. since my middle daughter has had "no contact" with her immediate family, her mother and two sisters. The case of CPS kidnapping my two younger girls at 10 & 12 are both now 17 & 19. I got my youngest back but the middle child whom has Aspergers as well was soooo brainwashed it is unbelievable this can be done to a young brain but let me assure you it can because I am now living this hellish nightmare of now almost 2 yrs. since their cases were closed. My precious daughter is so affected she believes I am the perpetrator. She did send me a recent message on facebook using someone elses account. She tore me down degrading me as a terrible mother and then explains why she is using her dead father's last name whom sexually abused her. She stated "I almost didn't get into college because of you as there was no record of me as Montanna Souza, so I was told I had to use his last name Epps." Look him up he is on the internet still to this day despite being dead he was a registered sex offender. 
                              
               My beautiful, lovely girl, Montanna Arianna Souza

See I gave the court in San Diego the stamped court document from Washington state court. I had legally changed both the girls names long before the CPS case ever happened. It was stamped with a seal from the court but the crooked system led her to believe this was not true another way to pit her against me. People understand even through a divorce or any other means there are two sides to tell the children lies or truth about one parent or another you're children then believe one of those sides,there young and vulnerable as there just children!
Also it doesn't help when there are family members just as wicked as the social workers who try and stray your child the wrong direction which in this case of mine has recently happened. A niece of mine Jennifer Gates who is a LVN a hospice nurse of all things, she to has issues with alcohol, sexual addictions and is reaping what she sowed as a parent now. She has the demented brain & no heart to influence my daughter in such a negative way to believe I am the no good for nothing mother. All the time when my girls were out of my life trapped by foster care. I was a mother to her own son who has a serious drug problem due to the way she raised him. He listened to me and had the desire to follow the Lord and wanted to be a asset to society. I gave him birthday money, bought him $50 shoes and loved him as if he were my own. Jennifer just beat the crap out of her own mother 59 yrs. old due to her own mother allowing abuse by boyfriends to her growing up but again all hear-say Jennifer is known to be a drama queen but in any fact you don't use such RAGE on a elderly person like that when you care for those kind of people as your job~!!! Montanna use your own knowledge, don't follow sheep headed for slaughter, go big & be strong!

 
                                                    My awesome graduate, Yeah~!!!  

  This daughter of mine, I am so proud of all your accomplishments and I pray that you find it in a small piece of your heart to give me some kind of credit for why & how you got where you are today. Sure you did all the work but Montanna it was I that raised you and molded you into who you are today. It's those small examples I taught you along the way of growing up. Feeding the homeless women at McDonalds when you wondered why, (To teach you to be more like Jesus.) Getting you and sister a happy meal then sitting you in front of the t.v. to watch a talk show of homeless children eating from a garbage can while you ate McDonalds (to teach you appreciation for your life.) Remember our trip back from Florida and stopping off in Oklahoma at an Indian store and at the age of 4, you wanted these colored stones and I said "No, put them back." and we left, 20 miles down the road you show me those very stones you stole from that store and Mom turned her van around and drove back to that store and made you apologize and return them. The store owner thanked me saying "We don't see many mother's like you." I was ALWAYS there for you my dear, you know this as truth~!!!

  Montanna, you have grown into an amazing 19 yr. old women and very smart indeed and if I never get credit for nothing it's still OK as I believe I did what every mother should do in raising a child, sacrifice there life for there own child and I did that~!! A word of wisdom dust off that bible with your name engraved on it I gave you for your 16th birthday and take the time to study it as God's message for our souls is deep and he will guide you to where he wants you to be, not where I want you to be or anybody else. Your so intelligent nothing can interfere with the knowledge you were blessed with unless you allow the enemy to bring you down. Be your OWN kind of beautiful. Be pure in your heart. Drive your desires all the way to the goal line. Learn, breathe, love, share & care with all the PASSION you can muster up from within. Sweetheart the enemy comes in to kill, steal & destroy don't let him get a foothold upon your life. Chase every dream & desire with an attitude of grace & peace from your heavenly father. His way's are where he wants you to go. You are a young women now and the roads ahead are rocky you must use great knowledge in which road YOU choose to go. I believe in you my love, you got this, so go after it~!!

                      Were always here for you & love you more then you know.
                                             Mom, Shellbe & Amber Souza