Learning through Gods beauty & grace how to take care of ME ~!!

Gods beauty is such a gift as I ponder and watch the sun hit the ocean you can almost hear a hissing sound as a reward for watching it set. These are my passion with my gift of photography I was blessed to be given by my awesome savior Jesus Christ. He gives freely to those who will accept his gift as I have found true unconditional love. I am on a journey and the ride has never meant as much as it does today because I was lucky enough to be given a second chance to lift my sail. I am thriving living & loving all this world has to offer. I am never broke with the amount of love in my heart I have daily from him who gives it. 
All I had to do was open my eyes to see beyond what I thought was my purpose in life but he has shown me I am important to and I deserve to be loved and cared about by him. 
My life was changed on April 17th 2009 after losing custody of my girls for a 3-day hospital stay as my story is well-known now but in losing my life that day I found it since truly and it has been the greatest gift my savior and I share. My girls are not gone forever, my girls have a very clear picture of who I was as a mom. I did my job, probably to much so I now know as everyone is entitled to "me time" but I gave that up when I got married, had kids and later found out two have autism and despite living with it myself my entire life it was only after the girls were taken I was diagnosed @ 46 but I raised one adult child already now 27 but the world judges you this is the change I plan to make. My life was there's but in all that has happened it's been a good thing because like Job, God may take something away temporarily to get your attention for his purpose & eventually get the glory but he multiplies it 10 x over when he returns it back. I am satisfied with the work he has done with me and I may not be exactly where he wants me to be but I surely ain't where I used to be. Praise Jesus for that~!! In all this God took a aspie woman and transformed me into a wonderful person that I can even say now I love and fully accept because it's not "US" that has the problem it's the word who does not like "different" and that's just the way it is but like Temple Grandin I am somebody, someone I never knew I could even be but by the good graces of God I have now learned to love myself and treat my body as his precious temple as it should be treated. He won't disappoint, he doesn't leave me, he always forgives me, he always loves me despite my faults unlike the world. I have learned a lot through the constant teaching of Joyce Meyer & Joel Osteen two very gifted people who have the ability to share Gods word. It was in one of Joyce's teachings of "Taking care of yourself" a podcast I watched on my Ipad it was then it hit me when she said "You will get to a point of breaking down physically,mentally & emotionally if you don't take care of yourself" (because you were so busy of caring for others) and that is exactly what happened I needed some "me time" and so I am doing just that. 
I am walking 3 miles a day, eating better, sleeping more and I feel a bunch better already. 
I am keeping a thought in my head and replay it over and over to keep me focused.


"God, I know that today nothing can happen that you and I can't handle together."

In Galations 5-22 it say's :
But the fruit of the spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, self-control against such things there is no law."


If we don't learn from his teachings then what good is it to even speak. I have learned so much from my heavenly father. I used to have a hard time with my mouth but self control has worked well when you really put it to use.
In Proverbs 17-22 he tells us "a joyful heart is good medicine, but a broken spirit dries up the bones." Let him come live in you and your peace will be everlasting.

And always remember Romans 8-31
What then shall we say to these things ? If God is for us, who can be against us ?


Remember as well God has a perfect plan for each and everyone, you just must accept him.
Romans 8-28 And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good. For those who are called according to his purpose.

As my youngest says who loves Justin Bieber                                   
                 "NEVER SAY NEVER~!!"
Because with God all things are possible~!!!!!!!!!!!

                                                                        

                                                                 

IT IS ONLY IN OUR TRIALS WE LEARN WHO TO BECOME

   I am the person who I have become today only by the good graces of Jesus Christ~!!
Despite what anyone want's to believe or chooses not to see, I have been transformed into what the Lord has wanted me to become for him. This is what matters in this life as we are to being living examples for him to help save souls. I can see renewal in me every single day and so darn proud of it. 

These are just a few :

1. I went over and prayed with my neighbor when her mother was passing away. I didn't know these people it was something I was led to do by the holy spirit and may her soul now rest with Jesus.

2. I have been a light in the world when there is none, like Christmas day I was walking my dog and a lady was digging in the garbage for cans. I stopped and said "Merry Christmas, don't forget Jesus loves you and he even provides the cans that help you." She replied "Yeah, food, food I buy food." so as I continued walking two young adult men were outside and one replied "Merry Christmas" and I said "Merry Christmas, Jesus loves you." He said "Sometimes" and I replied back "No all the time." He said "Yeah, just kidding" I may not impact everyone but I try and this pleases God.

3. I went to the beach this summer and parked as I do backed in to watch the sunset. A man was walking down the strip and his shirt said "Jesus love you" so he came over to my car and asked me "do you know Jesus as your personal savior." I said "Well yes I do." then he replied "are you afraid to tell everyone." "I replied absolutely not." He then said "Then let's go, get out of your car and let's go tell everyone." So I did, walked up and down the strip telling strangers (Gods children) do you know Jesus loves you. It was great as most accepted with a "thank you" and some did nothing, but none were negative. There was one out of the entire bunch who started to cry and we prayed with her. I was filled with so much joy it was incredible.

4.One day I was in Escondido and had gone to a doctors appointment but was waiting on another appointment so I stopped into a McDonald's to get a bite and check my mail on my phone. As I was in line I wasn't sure what I wanted so I stepped aside allowing the other person to go first. The black lady proceeded but asked me if I wanted a egg mc muffin as they were two for $350 so I wasn't sure what to say, she again asked saying I won't eat them both. So I agreed and not having much cash wanted to pay her for mine but I only had .72 cents on me as I use my debit card. So I handed her it she said "I don't want your money." but I insisted, so she took it. I ordered me a drink and payed for it. As we waited a thought came into my head "Ask her if she has anyone to eat with." so I did and she said "Sure." we sat down and as I like to pray for my food, I kindly asked her if she'd care if I prayed. She was excited and said "yes please." So I did we continued to eat and I noticed her badge said "Joan ......social worker" and I thought glory to God, this is a test and I am going to pass it. We talked and I shared my story, she briefly told me she didn't work for the county anymore 12 yrs. was enough as she saw horrible things and due to not removing enough kids she was rep-remanded so she is doing a job for God, a medical social worker helping families when their loved ones are dying. So she needed to get back to work and I was so glad I was glorifying Jesus in the test he had given me to pass. She told me I communicated very well to her. I just need to please Jesus, not people as in this delights him.

5. One night I was hit from behind and as a police officer arrived we talked then he passed me off to his supervisor and as he was trying to explain to me about why it wasn't considered a hit and run even though she did not stop and exchange information, I wasn't getting it. So I said to him excuse me officer I am not dumb, I just have Aspergers which in processing some things is hard for me could you re-explain it and to my surprise he did after saying "My 10 yr. old son has this and we have lived with him since 5 trying to understand it better, so I take the time for him h needs me to listen or explain." I was in shock the concern, patience and compassion officer Blackwell had with me just because he has lived with a son who has it so it made him far more understanding, more patience, more compassion, better acceptance for a adult as myself. Now this is what this world needs is ACCEPTANCE, COMPASSION,PATIENCE, & UNDERSTANDING~!! Our world could be such a better place to live and be apart of.

Thanks be to Jesus for helping me in growing in Character, patience with people, love, humility, goodness, kindness, faithfulness, trust, grace and all you want me to be, to be a living, breathing example of you and what you want me to share with others. Thank you for this trial that has made me grow in all areas you have wanted me to grow. I am who you created me to be and darn proud of it~!! I give you all the glory be to God, wonderful, creative, master of this universe and world.  

                                                                       

~SHE BELONGS TO JESUS~ Preemie with a purpose

                                    Precious child belongs to God.

  This is my youngest daughter her name is being withheld due to state's policy while in protective custody from me. I am just a mom who was diagnosed with Aspergers @ 46 yrs. of age and went into the hospital for depression for 3-days. It has now been 2 1/2 yrs. later and she is still gone. She turns 13 yrs. old Dec 11,11 and is greatly loved & missed. This child came home to me on Christmas day 12-11-98 weighing 4 pounds after a 12-day stay in ICU @ Santa Barbara's cottage hospital and was a Christmas blessing. Her tiny hand print forever stays on the wall of the ICU unit with many others. I am not bitter at social services for they do what they feel is right, sadly they don't understand autism very well as I have tried to share as much info as possible to better inform them. My little girl was on a GF/CF diet that helped her recover in many ways from the biomedical part that autism brings to some but now has lived on wheat ever since being taken and they wonder why she is so hard to handle, not to mention what this is doing to her insides but she belongs to Jesus and I pray faithfully for his protection around her. She came with a purpose from the start. I knew she was strong just by her strength & will to live. She had many obstacles in the beginning like the heart monitor stopped showing her heart had stopped beating but it started quickly on it's own. She was one of the favorite's in the ICU as I will always remember her doctor came to me and said "Linda your baby is beautiful." and I said "Oh I bet you say that about all the babies." and she said "No, they are pretty but ....... is beautiful~!! Do you know how much my heart stood out. She came home fighting as she had many hospitalizations for pneumonia  twice, then needed glasses @ 18 mos. due to the optometrist saying she was classified as legally blind. Then @ 19 mos. she was diagnosed with mild cerebral palsy after a MRI so then came more hospital visits with the roto virus, dehydration and a fever. Then came heel & cord lengthening of ankles so she could walk flat on her feet. as the years past she had 4 eye surgeries due to weak muscles & P.E. tubes placed 4x in her ears due to infections. She again became ill and was hospitalized once again. She went through a period of intense vomiting later to discover the intolerance to wheat & gluten. She had a lot of physical therapy, speech (due to speech delay) and occupational therapy to teach her how to use a fork & spoon and learn to feed herself. She was such a happy go-lucky child and never had a care in the world, this I admired greatly in her. Once we were out to eat and she left our table and walked over to a table with a elderly couple the man on oxygen and as I came up behind her she laid her tiny hand upon the mans hand and said "It will be alright." as tears welled-up into the mans eyes he never spoke a word. His wife looked @ me and said "You got yourself a little angel there." I said "I know." This wasn't her only encounter to touch people's lives as she took to people like a duck does to water. She was very much a peacemaker and had a way to impact people for the better. When she was 3 yrs. old her speech pathologist said "Linda I think ...... has autism as I have many children I work with on the spectrum and she acts a lot like them." So I was yet on another quest to help my little girl so I got her into the Stanford University only to be told "No Linda, she does not have autism or cerebral palsy she is mildly mentally retarded." in the meantime Dr. Bernard Rimland who ran the autism institute in San Diego sent me a letter after me doing a online survey and said "She was autistic." but do to her social ability nobody would believe me. then sadly she was sexually abused by her biological father who was also autistic I now know and I had a nervous breakdown and she went into states care and was placed with a family who was out to get rich as I later found out she was making $1800 a month on her care. She was abused physically there as the foster father left a thumb print on her tiny arm and later admitted he was sorry. but something extraordinary happened there as she was touched by a angel, when she came home she told me the entire story @ 3 yrs. old how she was locked in this room for hours with a bed,TV. and video tapes only to watch but one day she said "Momma a beautiful lady named Darla came to play with me and she was so pretty and bright with color. She explained how "Darla" comforted her while she was scared and alone for days, hours @ a time. She explained everyday she would have contact when locked in this room. My belief is she belongs to Jesus and he looks after his children as he tells us in the bible so despite the tragedy she was given great joy & blessed. She even mentioned today in states care she asked me one day if I remembered Darla and I said "yes I do" and she said nothing more so I believe Jesus once again has given her his angel to cling to while away from her mommy. We moved to Wa. state after the abuse and finally at the University of Washington (autism clinic) and at the age of 7 yrs. old she was diagnosed properly with autism. She also encountered many psychiatric hospital stays but still manages to touch the lives of many all over places we have ventured. She and I have not seen each other in over a year due to one false report I pulled her by the arm but again I am not bitter as God has used everything for my good in teaching me to walk a closer walk in faith & trust for him so I have gained my achievement into his kingdom.  I have learned through this fiery trial when I forgive those who have hurt me & done me wrong they loose the power they once had over me and it brings me so much peace inside. God has showed me who he is through this and it leaves me very blessed. Unspeakable joy comes when we listen and live as Jesus expects of us. God has finally delivered me from such a tragedy to triumphantly live a glorious life even with something so dear to my heart he alone has taken away for me to see & focus on him.
                   Thank you Jesus for all you give & take away
        

                           There really are ANGELS among us~!!!                                
                                            

                                                                 

** DAUGHTER & MOTHER **

  A daughter is the most precious gift a mother could ever imagine to have the chance to raise, mold, share & love within a lifetime.
I am so proud of what my oldest Amber Nicole has become and what she stands for~!! I raised her with Godly moral values and she has used them throughout her life. I molded her to follow after Jesus and live for him and to appreciate his life and what he laid down for her and she has. We have shared many memories of love, laughter & joy so much so it became tears of much happiness~!! The love Amber always showed & carried deep within her heart for others has made her into the lovely fine women she is today. She was such a blessing the day she arrived on 6/24/84 I was elated and so happy to be a mom @ 21 and Amber & I grew very close as I was a single mom early on in her young life. She was the apple of my eye & my best friend~!! She was so easy to guide into the strong, achievable women she has now become. She has overcome many obstacles herself but never has shown or attracted any attention to her, as she has always been strong in serving others~!! I am so proud to call Amber my daughter and the respect she has shown for me over the years I will absolutely value for years to come. She is one incredible sweet young lady with much personality & a giving heart. She is getting ready to get married and start a new and exciting life and all I want for her is the very best in lots of happiness in this life as she and I will forever have a unbreakable bond so I have no worries. Amber I have always admired your strength, love, & being the most gracious child I have ever known~!! Thanks for all the emotional support you have embraced me with all my life but especially during this trial. I love you so much my dear daughter and will forever be proud of you for all you do, what you've become & who you are~!!
                                Your Momma
                                               
 Relationship of Mother and Daughter                                          
                                                       
You can see it in their eyes,
in tender hugs and long good-byes,
a love that only moms and daughters know.

You can see it in their smiles,
through passing years and changing styles,
a friendship that continually seems to grow.

You can see it in their lives,
the joy each one of them derives,
in just knowing that the other one is there...

To care and to understand,
lend an ear or hold a hand,
and to celebrate the memories they share.
                                        

I SEE THE MOON

 I see the moon and the moon sees me, and the moon sees somebody I want to see. God bless the moon and God bless me and God bless the somebody I want to see. God looked down from up above and picked you out for me to love, He picked you out from all the rest, cause he knew that I loved you the very best, I see the moon and the moon sees me and the moon sees somebody I want to see, God bless the moon and God bless me and God bless the somebody I want to see.

                                                                             (Their Momma )    
 
         This is dedicated to my two precious girls that have been kidnapped and kept from me to the point it's affected them & me in every way possible. As my youngest affected with autism and cerebral palsy tells me, momma I see the same moon you see and it gives her comfort at the very least. I pray constantly God will turn thing's around so we can be reunited as a family again as none of us deserved this inhumane treatment of human being's who live in America~!! 

                                                                                                                                  

GOD, PLEASE BRING JUSTICE TO THIS CASE.

I visited my 14 yr. old on Sept. 6th 2011 she came very bitter, angry, agitated and downright disrespectful towards me. She said some very nasty thing's because she had a bad day @ school, she said and was tired of walking on her crutches from her broken ankle so she blew up @ me. Saying "I was the reason she was their due to my depression & I am depressed all the time." and then said "If you want to really know it wasn't the staff who told me to block you from facebook it was me who didn't want you on there, due to stuff you say." Then said "I didn't even want to come today." and the lady (Marriage,family, therapists kept saying Linda listen to .........." I was horrified as I was being humiliated by a 14 yr. old teenager they have spoiled & basically let her do as she pleases. She then said "She never listens to me." and last she said "And I'll just tell you I don't want to come home." and the therapist's asks her do you want to end the session (15 minutes in) and she replied "Yes." I got up and said "I am not doing this 2x a month for the next 4 years so I'll see you when your 18 and left in tears. I drive 40 minutes each way to see her, live below poverty level so gas is always a issue, just had neck surgery, have a bladder problem must be fixed so I crap all the time and due to a ticket I got for speeding and didn't appear due to I was in the hospital having my gallbladder out so I forgot all about it, they suspended my license and dropped my insurance so if stopped my car would be impounded and I might go to jail but that's how much my kid means to me. I must mention I took her favorite candy, corn chips & bean dip & two bottles of different flavored water and let her pick first which she wanted and last visit I bought her clothes and never heard a thank you mom. She has Aspergers as well and not being treated for it as they don't believe it there where she lives so she will suffer as a teenager in high school not getting the social cues with friend's and being called a geek which has already happened. I wanted so badly to get my girls the services they deserved so they would not suffer as adults as I have and so this is where my depression was left untreated as I forgot about Linda and sacrificed myself to better help them and now my payback for 3 day's in the hospital was to lose custody of both girls 2 1/2 yrs. now and be alienated away from them as I have been. As my youngest 12 yrs. wants to see her mommy so bad it hurts her, as she tells me "I see the same moon, mommy as you see and I think of you." My attorney and autism doctor I have seen now 6 month's all think I should give up the fight as I do not have a chance to win them back. How can something so illegal and wrong go on in a place we call America, where others die in the desert just to come to for a better life ? This is my prison 
"AMERICA". Sometimes I even wonder if God does care and I am a devoted christian but I have not seen my youngest in almost a year and why would he allow such a thing ? (Forgive me Lord).
I am exhausted, tired, frustrated and sometimes just want to be so sedated I cannot feel. My older child has grown very bitter, angry, upset and even has made remarks like "I don't think I could ever come back to live with my sister." She is more affected with autism. I told her she worships the ground you walk on and if it was reversed I know she would not feel this way about you. I raised these girls with love, respect, and to give rather then receive and took them to church, taught them right from wrong and look what foster care can do to one's heart. I shall pray God will bring justice out of this and make thing's better for us then when we went into this mess as he promises in the bible.

                                                                 

Clinging onto HOPE & my heavenly savior JESUS CHRIST

Just as Jaycee Dugard the child stolen for 18 yrs. I to have to hold onto HOPE as that is all we have besides our precious girls that kept her going also keeps me going. As I watched her Primetime special it was amazing to see she really carries no bitterness in her heart & this is what were suppose to do for those who persecute us in every way they can as they will have a day to be judge by the highest judge of all our creator~!! It is shameful when they hide their secrets to the world but the Lord in heaven sees all~!! Pray for a world where it's Satan's playground right now but God is still the omega our beginning & end~!!

Psalm 37-12-13
The wicked plots against the righteous and gnashes at him with his teeth. The Lord laughs at him, for he sees his day is coming.

Last Tuesday July 5th 2011 my girls were on a "family visit" with their grandparent's & my oldest flew in from Seattle to see them as well & help with the youngest as both younger girls are also on the spectrum & since the county decided to stop the wheat & gluten free diet my youngest was strictly on for 5 yrs. she was a handful for all of them. I was not allowed to go & be around them because I have Aspergers~!!
You may not believe it's all because of  "Aspergers" but it absolutely is~!! Sadly our world is Satan's playground. So NOTHING should shock anyone. I want to explain the word (Neglect) and it's meaning out of a dictionary (To disregard, to pay little or no attention or respect. Leave unnoticed.) I spent the 1st 6 yrs. of my youngest life correcting all the thing's needed to be corrected due to her autism & cerebral palsy so she had 4 eye surgeries & the doctor told me Linda if the glasses don't stay on her face she'll need a 5th as the muscle will weaken, well guess what due to neglect in foster care she is never seen with her glasses on & now her eye is turning in, her behavior was almost uncontrollable when visiting her grandparent's due to the state taking her off her gluten/wheat free diet I had her on for 5 yrs. after countless hours on the computer researching what would make her better from vomiting & blood in her stool besides her off the wall behavior. More neglect  they call it stress from her phone calls with her momma because she has poop in her panties but I found out she is not using toilet paper after a bowl movement because in a FFA home the highest paid foster home nobody is helping this poor child. The dentist told my child if you don't brush those teeth were going to take off the braces but due to her sensory issues nobody cares about, they just let her do it all alone & say she lies saying she brushed them but didn't so her teeth are going to be rotten but they sure collect the money~!!!!!! Why are you getting paid so much if your not going to see to this special needs child's needs ?? Nobody will ever love or care for her like her mother~!!!!
A e-mail was sent out by me about how inappropriate it is for a adult male social worker to take the youngest more severely autistic out for trips for ice cream & then to fly alone with her, drive a hour alone in the car to my parent's, so explaining this in my e-mail and as it shocked my 80 yr. old father, I get routinely phone calls every Tuesday but because he got that e-mail we were ALL punished & did not receive it on Tuesday as I was suppose to. As I called later & my oldest stated the younger two were waiting by the phone as was I @ home but the call never came. This is very sad & against the law as they are court ordered~!! Not shocking as I have been alienated away from my youngest for 9 mos. now due to a falsified report~!! as my own mother asked her if her mother ever pulled her arm, she said "huh" and my daughter told her this is why they are not letting you see your mom, did she pull your arm and hurt you ? "NO" she replied~!! Also I was blocked from my 14 yr. old's facebook page 2-3 month's ago but I found out through a family friend their was a adult male posting on her page & is a employee where she lives but they did nothing so I again called the police like the first time when she was sexually assaulted & filed a report because they wouldn't. I pray everyday for these people (which I am kind enough not to mention~!!) As other's all over don't mind putting out their names of who in court was the corrupt judge, corrupt social worker's etc.... but I am not at all out for blood as I strive hard in my life to please GOD not people & their will be justice someday just not by me. God is my witness to it all. I have asked God despite all they do to overflow my heart with more love for those who persecute me as I want to be a living example of Christ. As I cling close to his word's in the bible & it sustains my strength.

Psalm 37-17-18
For the arms of the wicked will be broken, but the Lord sustains the righteous. The Lord knows the day's of the blameless, and their inheritance will be forever.

37-28
For the Lord loves justice, and does not forsake his godly ones.

We are given a "choice" by God on which way we choose are destiny and mine is going to be with a loving God in a beautiful place, where their will be no more pain, sorrow, broken heart's, tears and I will be their in complete "safety" with him so if this is God's will to live without "his children" for now then so be it and give him the glory as they belong to him anyways. I am @ peace with life & I am learning so much to prepare me for his kingdom. One thing I have learned is "I WAS HIS CHOSEN ONE" to be a God warrior to teach other's how to live in a fiery trial & get as close to God as you possibly can because it is HE that supplies all to each & every one of us. I even thank him for what has been done because I would not be who I am today without it. See God, knows every intricate part of our being so are needs are not a surprise to him & when you submit yourself unto him as broken & sincerely needing him he can do wonders to even just one. Life it's only really a journey when you turn it into one & the ride is better then any other ride you can imagine.

A faithful witness will not lie, but a false witness will utter lies   Proverbs 14-5

A false witness shall not be punished, and he that speaketh lies shall not escape. Proverbs 19-5

            May God bless all your day's ahead & give you all strength,wisdom,patience,peace & love~!!

                                                         God's girl Linda Souza