IT IS ONLY IN OUR TRIALS WE LEARN WHO TO BECOME

   I am the person who I have become today only by the good graces of Jesus Christ~!!
Despite what anyone want's to believe or chooses not to see, I have been transformed into what the Lord has wanted me to become for him. This is what matters in this life as we are to being living examples for him to help save souls. I can see renewal in me every single day and so darn proud of it. 

These are just a few :

1. I went over and prayed with my neighbor when her mother was passing away. I didn't know these people it was something I was led to do by the holy spirit and may her soul now rest with Jesus.

2. I have been a light in the world when there is none, like Christmas day I was walking my dog and a lady was digging in the garbage for cans. I stopped and said "Merry Christmas, don't forget Jesus loves you and he even provides the cans that help you." She replied "Yeah, food, food I buy food." so as I continued walking two young adult men were outside and one replied "Merry Christmas" and I said "Merry Christmas, Jesus loves you." He said "Sometimes" and I replied back "No all the time." He said "Yeah, just kidding" I may not impact everyone but I try and this pleases God.

3. I went to the beach this summer and parked as I do backed in to watch the sunset. A man was walking down the strip and his shirt said "Jesus love you" so he came over to my car and asked me "do you know Jesus as your personal savior." I said "Well yes I do." then he replied "are you afraid to tell everyone." "I replied absolutely not." He then said "Then let's go, get out of your car and let's go tell everyone." So I did, walked up and down the strip telling strangers (Gods children) do you know Jesus loves you. It was great as most accepted with a "thank you" and some did nothing, but none were negative. There was one out of the entire bunch who started to cry and we prayed with her. I was filled with so much joy it was incredible.

4.One day I was in Escondido and had gone to a doctors appointment but was waiting on another appointment so I stopped into a McDonald's to get a bite and check my mail on my phone. As I was in line I wasn't sure what I wanted so I stepped aside allowing the other person to go first. The black lady proceeded but asked me if I wanted a egg mc muffin as they were two for $350 so I wasn't sure what to say, she again asked saying I won't eat them both. So I agreed and not having much cash wanted to pay her for mine but I only had .72 cents on me as I use my debit card. So I handed her it she said "I don't want your money." but I insisted, so she took it. I ordered me a drink and payed for it. As we waited a thought came into my head "Ask her if she has anyone to eat with." so I did and she said "Sure." we sat down and as I like to pray for my food, I kindly asked her if she'd care if I prayed. She was excited and said "yes please." So I did we continued to eat and I noticed her badge said "Joan ......social worker" and I thought glory to God, this is a test and I am going to pass it. We talked and I shared my story, she briefly told me she didn't work for the county anymore 12 yrs. was enough as she saw horrible things and due to not removing enough kids she was rep-remanded so she is doing a job for God, a medical social worker helping families when their loved ones are dying. So she needed to get back to work and I was so glad I was glorifying Jesus in the test he had given me to pass. She told me I communicated very well to her. I just need to please Jesus, not people as in this delights him.

5. One night I was hit from behind and as a police officer arrived we talked then he passed me off to his supervisor and as he was trying to explain to me about why it wasn't considered a hit and run even though she did not stop and exchange information, I wasn't getting it. So I said to him excuse me officer I am not dumb, I just have Aspergers which in processing some things is hard for me could you re-explain it and to my surprise he did after saying "My 10 yr. old son has this and we have lived with him since 5 trying to understand it better, so I take the time for him h needs me to listen or explain." I was in shock the concern, patience and compassion officer Blackwell had with me just because he has lived with a son who has it so it made him far more understanding, more patience, more compassion, better acceptance for a adult as myself. Now this is what this world needs is ACCEPTANCE, COMPASSION,PATIENCE, & UNDERSTANDING~!! Our world could be such a better place to live and be apart of.

Thanks be to Jesus for helping me in growing in Character, patience with people, love, humility, goodness, kindness, faithfulness, trust, grace and all you want me to be, to be a living, breathing example of you and what you want me to share with others. Thank you for this trial that has made me grow in all areas you have wanted me to grow. I am who you created me to be and darn proud of it~!! I give you all the glory be to God, wonderful, creative, master of this universe and world.  

                                                                       

~SHE BELONGS TO JESUS~ Preemie with a purpose

                                    Precious child belongs to God.

  This is my youngest daughter her name is being withheld due to state's policy while in protective custody from me. I am just a mom who was diagnosed with Aspergers @ 46 yrs. of age and went into the hospital for depression for 3-days. It has now been 2 1/2 yrs. later and she is still gone. She turns 13 yrs. old Dec 11,11 and is greatly loved & missed. This child came home to me on Christmas day 12-11-98 weighing 4 pounds after a 12-day stay in ICU @ Santa Barbara's cottage hospital and was a Christmas blessing. Her tiny hand print forever stays on the wall of the ICU unit with many others. I am not bitter at social services for they do what they feel is right, sadly they don't understand autism very well as I have tried to share as much info as possible to better inform them. My little girl was on a GF/CF diet that helped her recover in many ways from the biomedical part that autism brings to some but now has lived on wheat ever since being taken and they wonder why she is so hard to handle, not to mention what this is doing to her insides but she belongs to Jesus and I pray faithfully for his protection around her. She came with a purpose from the start. I knew she was strong just by her strength & will to live. She had many obstacles in the beginning like the heart monitor stopped showing her heart had stopped beating but it started quickly on it's own. She was one of the favorite's in the ICU as I will always remember her doctor came to me and said "Linda your baby is beautiful." and I said "Oh I bet you say that about all the babies." and she said "No, they are pretty but ....... is beautiful~!! Do you know how much my heart stood out. She came home fighting as she had many hospitalizations for pneumonia  twice, then needed glasses @ 18 mos. due to the optometrist saying she was classified as legally blind. Then @ 19 mos. she was diagnosed with mild cerebral palsy after a MRI so then came more hospital visits with the roto virus, dehydration and a fever. Then came heel & cord lengthening of ankles so she could walk flat on her feet. as the years past she had 4 eye surgeries due to weak muscles & P.E. tubes placed 4x in her ears due to infections. She again became ill and was hospitalized once again. She went through a period of intense vomiting later to discover the intolerance to wheat & gluten. She had a lot of physical therapy, speech (due to speech delay) and occupational therapy to teach her how to use a fork & spoon and learn to feed herself. She was such a happy go-lucky child and never had a care in the world, this I admired greatly in her. Once we were out to eat and she left our table and walked over to a table with a elderly couple the man on oxygen and as I came up behind her she laid her tiny hand upon the mans hand and said "It will be alright." as tears welled-up into the mans eyes he never spoke a word. His wife looked @ me and said "You got yourself a little angel there." I said "I know." This wasn't her only encounter to touch people's lives as she took to people like a duck does to water. She was very much a peacemaker and had a way to impact people for the better. When she was 3 yrs. old her speech pathologist said "Linda I think ...... has autism as I have many children I work with on the spectrum and she acts a lot like them." So I was yet on another quest to help my little girl so I got her into the Stanford University only to be told "No Linda, she does not have autism or cerebral palsy she is mildly mentally retarded." in the meantime Dr. Bernard Rimland who ran the autism institute in San Diego sent me a letter after me doing a online survey and said "She was autistic." but do to her social ability nobody would believe me. then sadly she was sexually abused by her biological father who was also autistic I now know and I had a nervous breakdown and she went into states care and was placed with a family who was out to get rich as I later found out she was making $1800 a month on her care. She was abused physically there as the foster father left a thumb print on her tiny arm and later admitted he was sorry. but something extraordinary happened there as she was touched by a angel, when she came home she told me the entire story @ 3 yrs. old how she was locked in this room for hours with a bed,TV. and video tapes only to watch but one day she said "Momma a beautiful lady named Darla came to play with me and she was so pretty and bright with color. She explained how "Darla" comforted her while she was scared and alone for days, hours @ a time. She explained everyday she would have contact when locked in this room. My belief is she belongs to Jesus and he looks after his children as he tells us in the bible so despite the tragedy she was given great joy & blessed. She even mentioned today in states care she asked me one day if I remembered Darla and I said "yes I do" and she said nothing more so I believe Jesus once again has given her his angel to cling to while away from her mommy. We moved to Wa. state after the abuse and finally at the University of Washington (autism clinic) and at the age of 7 yrs. old she was diagnosed properly with autism. She also encountered many psychiatric hospital stays but still manages to touch the lives of many all over places we have ventured. She and I have not seen each other in over a year due to one false report I pulled her by the arm but again I am not bitter as God has used everything for my good in teaching me to walk a closer walk in faith & trust for him so I have gained my achievement into his kingdom.  I have learned through this fiery trial when I forgive those who have hurt me & done me wrong they loose the power they once had over me and it brings me so much peace inside. God has showed me who he is through this and it leaves me very blessed. Unspeakable joy comes when we listen and live as Jesus expects of us. God has finally delivered me from such a tragedy to triumphantly live a glorious life even with something so dear to my heart he alone has taken away for me to see & focus on him.
                   Thank you Jesus for all you give & take away
        

                           There really are ANGELS among us~!!!                                
                                            

                                                                 

** DAUGHTER & MOTHER **

  A daughter is the most precious gift a mother could ever imagine to have the chance to raise, mold, share & love within a lifetime.
I am so proud of what my oldest Amber Nicole has become and what she stands for~!! I raised her with Godly moral values and she has used them throughout her life. I molded her to follow after Jesus and live for him and to appreciate his life and what he laid down for her and she has. We have shared many memories of love, laughter & joy so much so it became tears of much happiness~!! The love Amber always showed & carried deep within her heart for others has made her into the lovely fine women she is today. She was such a blessing the day she arrived on 6/24/84 I was elated and so happy to be a mom @ 21 and Amber & I grew very close as I was a single mom early on in her young life. She was the apple of my eye & my best friend~!! She was so easy to guide into the strong, achievable women she has now become. She has overcome many obstacles herself but never has shown or attracted any attention to her, as she has always been strong in serving others~!! I am so proud to call Amber my daughter and the respect she has shown for me over the years I will absolutely value for years to come. She is one incredible sweet young lady with much personality & a giving heart. She is getting ready to get married and start a new and exciting life and all I want for her is the very best in lots of happiness in this life as she and I will forever have a unbreakable bond so I have no worries. Amber I have always admired your strength, love, & being the most gracious child I have ever known~!! Thanks for all the emotional support you have embraced me with all my life but especially during this trial. I love you so much my dear daughter and will forever be proud of you for all you do, what you've become & who you are~!!
                                Your Momma
                                               
 Relationship of Mother and Daughter                                          
                                                       
You can see it in their eyes,
in tender hugs and long good-byes,
a love that only moms and daughters know.

You can see it in their smiles,
through passing years and changing styles,
a friendship that continually seems to grow.

You can see it in their lives,
the joy each one of them derives,
in just knowing that the other one is there...

To care and to understand,
lend an ear or hold a hand,
and to celebrate the memories they share.
                                        

I SEE THE MOON

 I see the moon and the moon sees me, and the moon sees somebody I want to see. God bless the moon and God bless me and God bless the somebody I want to see. God looked down from up above and picked you out for me to love, He picked you out from all the rest, cause he knew that I loved you the very best, I see the moon and the moon sees me and the moon sees somebody I want to see, God bless the moon and God bless me and God bless the somebody I want to see.

                                                                             (Their Momma )    
 
         This is dedicated to my two precious girls that have been kidnapped and kept from me to the point it's affected them & me in every way possible. As my youngest affected with autism and cerebral palsy tells me, momma I see the same moon you see and it gives her comfort at the very least. I pray constantly God will turn thing's around so we can be reunited as a family again as none of us deserved this inhumane treatment of human being's who live in America~!! 

                                                                                                                                  

GOD, PLEASE BRING JUSTICE TO THIS CASE.

I visited my 14 yr. old on Sept. 6th 2011 she came very bitter, angry, agitated and downright disrespectful towards me. She said some very nasty thing's because she had a bad day @ school, she said and was tired of walking on her crutches from her broken ankle so she blew up @ me. Saying "I was the reason she was their due to my depression & I am depressed all the time." and then said "If you want to really know it wasn't the staff who told me to block you from facebook it was me who didn't want you on there, due to stuff you say." Then said "I didn't even want to come today." and the lady (Marriage,family, therapists kept saying Linda listen to .........." I was horrified as I was being humiliated by a 14 yr. old teenager they have spoiled & basically let her do as she pleases. She then said "She never listens to me." and last she said "And I'll just tell you I don't want to come home." and the therapist's asks her do you want to end the session (15 minutes in) and she replied "Yes." I got up and said "I am not doing this 2x a month for the next 4 years so I'll see you when your 18 and left in tears. I drive 40 minutes each way to see her, live below poverty level so gas is always a issue, just had neck surgery, have a bladder problem must be fixed so I crap all the time and due to a ticket I got for speeding and didn't appear due to I was in the hospital having my gallbladder out so I forgot all about it, they suspended my license and dropped my insurance so if stopped my car would be impounded and I might go to jail but that's how much my kid means to me. I must mention I took her favorite candy, corn chips & bean dip & two bottles of different flavored water and let her pick first which she wanted and last visit I bought her clothes and never heard a thank you mom. She has Aspergers as well and not being treated for it as they don't believe it there where she lives so she will suffer as a teenager in high school not getting the social cues with friend's and being called a geek which has already happened. I wanted so badly to get my girls the services they deserved so they would not suffer as adults as I have and so this is where my depression was left untreated as I forgot about Linda and sacrificed myself to better help them and now my payback for 3 day's in the hospital was to lose custody of both girls 2 1/2 yrs. now and be alienated away from them as I have been. As my youngest 12 yrs. wants to see her mommy so bad it hurts her, as she tells me "I see the same moon, mommy as you see and I think of you." My attorney and autism doctor I have seen now 6 month's all think I should give up the fight as I do not have a chance to win them back. How can something so illegal and wrong go on in a place we call America, where others die in the desert just to come to for a better life ? This is my prison 
"AMERICA". Sometimes I even wonder if God does care and I am a devoted christian but I have not seen my youngest in almost a year and why would he allow such a thing ? (Forgive me Lord).
I am exhausted, tired, frustrated and sometimes just want to be so sedated I cannot feel. My older child has grown very bitter, angry, upset and even has made remarks like "I don't think I could ever come back to live with my sister." She is more affected with autism. I told her she worships the ground you walk on and if it was reversed I know she would not feel this way about you. I raised these girls with love, respect, and to give rather then receive and took them to church, taught them right from wrong and look what foster care can do to one's heart. I shall pray God will bring justice out of this and make thing's better for us then when we went into this mess as he promises in the bible.

                                                                 

Clinging onto HOPE & my heavenly savior JESUS CHRIST

Just as Jaycee Dugard the child stolen for 18 yrs. I to have to hold onto HOPE as that is all we have besides our precious girls that kept her going also keeps me going. As I watched her Primetime special it was amazing to see she really carries no bitterness in her heart & this is what were suppose to do for those who persecute us in every way they can as they will have a day to be judge by the highest judge of all our creator~!! It is shameful when they hide their secrets to the world but the Lord in heaven sees all~!! Pray for a world where it's Satan's playground right now but God is still the omega our beginning & end~!!

Psalm 37-12-13
The wicked plots against the righteous and gnashes at him with his teeth. The Lord laughs at him, for he sees his day is coming.

Last Tuesday July 5th 2011 my girls were on a "family visit" with their grandparent's & my oldest flew in from Seattle to see them as well & help with the youngest as both younger girls are also on the spectrum & since the county decided to stop the wheat & gluten free diet my youngest was strictly on for 5 yrs. she was a handful for all of them. I was not allowed to go & be around them because I have Aspergers~!!
You may not believe it's all because of  "Aspergers" but it absolutely is~!! Sadly our world is Satan's playground. So NOTHING should shock anyone. I want to explain the word (Neglect) and it's meaning out of a dictionary (To disregard, to pay little or no attention or respect. Leave unnoticed.) I spent the 1st 6 yrs. of my youngest life correcting all the thing's needed to be corrected due to her autism & cerebral palsy so she had 4 eye surgeries & the doctor told me Linda if the glasses don't stay on her face she'll need a 5th as the muscle will weaken, well guess what due to neglect in foster care she is never seen with her glasses on & now her eye is turning in, her behavior was almost uncontrollable when visiting her grandparent's due to the state taking her off her gluten/wheat free diet I had her on for 5 yrs. after countless hours on the computer researching what would make her better from vomiting & blood in her stool besides her off the wall behavior. More neglect  they call it stress from her phone calls with her momma because she has poop in her panties but I found out she is not using toilet paper after a bowl movement because in a FFA home the highest paid foster home nobody is helping this poor child. The dentist told my child if you don't brush those teeth were going to take off the braces but due to her sensory issues nobody cares about, they just let her do it all alone & say she lies saying she brushed them but didn't so her teeth are going to be rotten but they sure collect the money~!!!!!! Why are you getting paid so much if your not going to see to this special needs child's needs ?? Nobody will ever love or care for her like her mother~!!!!
A e-mail was sent out by me about how inappropriate it is for a adult male social worker to take the youngest more severely autistic out for trips for ice cream & then to fly alone with her, drive a hour alone in the car to my parent's, so explaining this in my e-mail and as it shocked my 80 yr. old father, I get routinely phone calls every Tuesday but because he got that e-mail we were ALL punished & did not receive it on Tuesday as I was suppose to. As I called later & my oldest stated the younger two were waiting by the phone as was I @ home but the call never came. This is very sad & against the law as they are court ordered~!! Not shocking as I have been alienated away from my youngest for 9 mos. now due to a falsified report~!! as my own mother asked her if her mother ever pulled her arm, she said "huh" and my daughter told her this is why they are not letting you see your mom, did she pull your arm and hurt you ? "NO" she replied~!! Also I was blocked from my 14 yr. old's facebook page 2-3 month's ago but I found out through a family friend their was a adult male posting on her page & is a employee where she lives but they did nothing so I again called the police like the first time when she was sexually assaulted & filed a report because they wouldn't. I pray everyday for these people (which I am kind enough not to mention~!!) As other's all over don't mind putting out their names of who in court was the corrupt judge, corrupt social worker's etc.... but I am not at all out for blood as I strive hard in my life to please GOD not people & their will be justice someday just not by me. God is my witness to it all. I have asked God despite all they do to overflow my heart with more love for those who persecute me as I want to be a living example of Christ. As I cling close to his word's in the bible & it sustains my strength.

Psalm 37-17-18
For the arms of the wicked will be broken, but the Lord sustains the righteous. The Lord knows the day's of the blameless, and their inheritance will be forever.

37-28
For the Lord loves justice, and does not forsake his godly ones.

We are given a "choice" by God on which way we choose are destiny and mine is going to be with a loving God in a beautiful place, where their will be no more pain, sorrow, broken heart's, tears and I will be their in complete "safety" with him so if this is God's will to live without "his children" for now then so be it and give him the glory as they belong to him anyways. I am @ peace with life & I am learning so much to prepare me for his kingdom. One thing I have learned is "I WAS HIS CHOSEN ONE" to be a God warrior to teach other's how to live in a fiery trial & get as close to God as you possibly can because it is HE that supplies all to each & every one of us. I even thank him for what has been done because I would not be who I am today without it. See God, knows every intricate part of our being so are needs are not a surprise to him & when you submit yourself unto him as broken & sincerely needing him he can do wonders to even just one. Life it's only really a journey when you turn it into one & the ride is better then any other ride you can imagine.

A faithful witness will not lie, but a false witness will utter lies   Proverbs 14-5

A false witness shall not be punished, and he that speaketh lies shall not escape. Proverbs 19-5

            May God bless all your day's ahead & give you all strength,wisdom,patience,peace & love~!!

                                                         God's girl Linda Souza

When a commissioner becomes a pansy & gives ALL discreation to social workers who damage families & discriminate~!!

It is so very sad when a man wearing a dark robe in a court of law 
to a department as social services to play the role of ultimate controller of ones life as myself.As Christ suffered so I must as well as I have already received the key's to the awesome kingdom I anxiously await. They may think their in all control but that is not the way my God assures my heart it will be. I am missing my children terribly but as the county testified since it's been 8 months she has not seen me they said we figured they would forget her. Well they won't for sure as I know I poured my life,body & soul into raising those girls so they now belong to Jesus and he will see the right thing is done despite all the wicked efforts they have made to alienate & turn my children against me but it will never happen. I sleep peacefully knowing my life is in the hands of my awesome creator & he promises if you endured a fiery trial you gain the crown of life and I have. It's sad a man of such authority on the bench that seems to have some compassion for me as a mother still allows the county so much control to continue alienating me from my precious girls despite my youngest packing everyday saying my momma is coming to get me as testified on 6-13-11 by the social worker how could such a human being God created act in this manner, simply because he chooses not to follow WWJD but I continue my prayers for them all. I will continue my hunger strike & walk in front of the court house with my hand made sign until justice prevails as my children nor do I deserve to be thrown away as if we meant nothing to society as one lady stopped Friday & said "Well gee if you have a drug or alcohol problem they roll out the red carpet & even pay for rehab & if you abuse your child you can even get help with anger management & then get the child back, but for a woman as you with a God given mild disability they don't even offer reunification services, this is nuts." So yes this is how the story went in a nutshell I was ordered by the court (Which I was told was illegal) to take 2 psy. evals. & was diagnosed with Asperger's (High functioning on the autistic spectrum.) I was 46 yrs. old but I had raised all 3 of my girls 27, 14, & 12 my entire life even through 2 divorces & awarded FULL CUSTODY in each divorce but because I wanted help for depression I got a 3-DAY hospital stay & 2 YEARS & 2 MONTHS of losing my girls simply as one county supervisor stated to me in a e-mail "Linda it's evident the county has got it in for you." Now on my 6TH LAWYER that none can't fight this case because it's a CIVIL LAWSUIT & I will never give up fighting to find a civil lawyer to help me & my girls. I spoke to 2 women in front of the court house who were both in foster care as children & both shared the psychological damage & abuse they suffered while in care has impacted their lives as grown women. If this commissioner would act like the man he should behind the bench my case would of been long over with a long time ago I believe. God please grant him the knowledge a man of power behind the bench he should have on behalf of my case because you know I do not dislike him he just needs your help with granting authority over my case~!! My oldest has been fighting from the start to gain custody of them if they won't return them to me but the children's attorney had the last word in the courtroom & she stated no need to worry about the interstate transfer of the youngest to another state as their is no family member @ this time who wants her. Lie,lie,lie is all these people seem to do as Amber the eldest child has been fighting since the beginging. So the bottom line if my family gets them they know I will gain access eventually so if they don't go with a family member the mother will NEVER have access or contact with them until there 18 because the county BOTH spoke of keeping the children in their placement's until the age of 18. Then they also fought so hard to not allow the doctor I am seeing 
( AUTISM SPECIALIST OF 30 YRS.) to be apart of any visits so as always they remain "ONE-SIDED" so they can continue to right up negative report's as they have for the past 2 yrs. so no matter how hard I try it will never be good enough for the county of SAN DIEGO~!! Corrupt system & sadly it will forever remain a corrupt system but someday they will all answer to their creator~!! They tried to make me believe my children have said "I WANT NOTHING MORE TO DO WITH MY MOTHER." I will never, ever believe their lies from the darkness~!! As court ended the social worker & supervisor grinned & smiled as if they had won the lottery but as she approached me in the hallway to discuss a visit before she could finish the sentence I said "HELL IS A VERY HOT PLACE"~!! and I went home & prayed for all of them. Last note my children are all flying into my parent's for a 4th of July a family reunion and as my attorney pleaded what is this mother going to do if she was allowed to go for a few hours the first worker said "It would confuse the children after not seeing her in 8 month's." & the second for my oldest said "There is great concern if the mother was to cut on herself or become very volatile we don't think the grandparent's or adult sibling could control the mother & this would frighten the children & I also believe it would confuse the children as well." My attorney said so basically since she has not seen the girls in 8 months you basically just want the girls to forget about their mom." They replied "Well yes." My attorney said "and this is your ploy to forfeit her parental rights as well I assume ? "Uh I'm not sure one responded." To end this for reader's that don't know the whole story I am just a helpless mom that has had her children kidnapped legally according to the county & alienated away from them almost a year just because I was diagnosed with Aspergers @ 46 yrs. old ONLY AFTER the girls were taken now I have been CONDEMNED to parent them again for the last 2 yrs. & 2 mos. they are now 12 & 14 and both have autism as well BUT I RAISED another daughter who is 27 YRS. OLD with no autism & I have a awesome bond with her as well.  This is the honest truth as I am a very dedicated christian women. Please pray for my family as GOD is STILL THE ONE IN TOTAL CONTROL & he promises I will come out of this trial better then when I went in so my hope & faith is there and I have grown in character, grace, faith, patience & love so this is not all in vain God has his ultimate plan & I am saved & ready for heaven and he loves my girls far more then I so he will get his glory out of all of this. God bless you all & thanks for your prayers.



                                       
                                       We must suffer as Christ has suffered ~!!

 

                                                                      

                             

A letter to GOD

Hello God,
Just checking in to tell you I prayed with my neighbor Ava's family like you asked of me and it felt good despite not even knowing them~! She checked out of this world this past mother's day weekend, theirs laughter coming from her apartment as they move things, I sure hope it's all because they know you. It's been a struggle because you know who has been trying to get me to feel depressed but I am not because if you can do for me what you've done and given me a better heart & soul deeper in love with you, then anything is possible. This fiery trial is only temporary and even if it goes by in years they go so fast cause I know your coming. I was blessed to be a mom as long as I was given and very thankful for that. My girls love me & you love them so much more I know!
I instilled good morals & important values & directed them to you, so now it's time for them to follow you by what they have learned from me & this brings me comfort. As the most important role I could of been given here on earth, being a mother was a very precious gift & even though my girls are not grown or with me @ this time it is your will they will blossom & grow in you I pray. I am blessed to be called by you, Lord & be one of your many warriors! Lot's of bad thing's happen to good people and I never understood until now. You use us for the ones who do not know what a wonderful, awesome God you are, we are teacher's without a degree but guided by the every best loving hand of a father I am so glad to know. If it weren't for your grace I could not be who I have become today~!! God it is my prayer, you'll not only look after and care for my girls but each and every child you gave as a gift from above. Forgive me God if there were times in my rush in life I did not pause to say thank you for all I have been given & even taken away. I am so happy for the unbelievable strength you have given for me to go on, and learn from my mistakes & never give the devil a hold but instead make him a footstool for my feet. I am who I am only because of your loving grace & all the times you carried me through the battlefield. Thank you God for choosing me & even in giving up something so dear to my heart, I have learned it's not what we love but how we love! Let my light shine for you God to glorify you & give wisdom to those that "no not what they do" and offer my teaching to all who want to listen & learn it's not about our trial but how we choose to walk through it and not to fear what is to come very soon. Thankful for the masterpiece you created in me.


                   Love to you, your precious child Linda


"You are a letter....written not with a pen and ink but with the spirit of the living God."    2 Corinthians 3:3  Niv

Faces of Victims of Family Court and Child Protective Services (3)

**Montanna's note to God**

WHY IS NOBODY LISTENING ? PLEASE HELP ME IF YOU CAN~!!

Please is anybody out their in this world that is willing & able to help me, like a ADA law attorney ? I am so frustrated as nobody seems to want to move in my direction. I am praying and I am trusting in God he will put together the right people but I feel so alone. Two years I have lost my girls and for what not because I use or abuse drugs & not because I am a lush and misuse alcohol & not because I have abused or left my girls unattended but you know what for simply because I have Aspergers and the department (Believes I have a issue with communicating with children I raised and understand more because I live with autism as well plus they just got it in for me because their not willing to be educated on autism~!! ) I have done NOTHING and I WAS A EXCELLENT MOM raising my girls in church, teaching them morals and good thing's to live by, setting a example in front of them the way a decent person should be~!! Why oh Lord, should I be singled out and picked on so harshly ? I have not seen my girls in 6 month's, did you all hear 6 month's I have been intentionally kept from my children~!!  This is parental alienating them from me so much my youngest asked my oldest daughter Amber 26 "Did momma die" now isn't that the way our system should be ? Yes I have a adult daughter 26 yrs. old I raised Alone. I am just beside myself in how they "get away with it all" you know why, because NOBODY has the gut's to stand up to them this is why~!! To anyone but especially to someone with "special needs" as myself & my girls just ripping us apart like they have has surely caused mental anguish within. The torment I have lived it's a nightmare I surely could have never made up, like a trip to Sea world my oldest flew out from Seattle and we had a hearing and the social workers had decided that my oldest could take the girls but I could not go, but then in fear of Amber letting me see the girls they put a older lady in charge to go with her just to make sure, my youngest was so excited about Sea world she came to me and said "Momma we get to go to Sea world but I'm sorry you can't come" now if this isn't cruel, oh but that's just the start of thing's. I begged to see my girls for Christmas, birthday's, any holidays but never in 2 yrs. did one such a visit take place. Then there was this visit I was en-route to and I had already stopped @ Wendy's and picked up food for them but was called driving on the way to the visit and told there is going to be "no visit today" when I questioned why he said "Just because" and hung up so I drove back home sobbing but they expect me to call 24 hrs. in advance if I was to not come to a visit. Then now 6 mos. without seeing them and this isn't the first time I was kept 3 mos. once before so a total of 9 month's in 2 years almost half of the time and again I am no mass murderer, nor did I ever hurt my girls, no alcohol or drug problems. ALL BECAUSE I AM MILDLY AUTISTIC & THEY JUST DON'T LIKE ME PLAIN & SIMPLE~!! THEY HAVE NOTHING ELSE ??   
I went into the hospital for 3 day's for some mild depression, kicked out with no case plan and 2 yrs. later my children are still gone talk about a cruel & evil world. They knew I had a awesome relationship with my girls so they took and abused what mattered most my dignity as a parent, my relationship that meant so much to us all and separated all 3 of us in 3 different directions, yes neither child has ever been placed together and "if" they get a visit they pick the younger one up to sit on a bench & watch the older one play a basketball game now that's a fair & healthy visit for the siblings. I became homeless & was forced to live in my car for 5 months due to them who cared nothing for me or my children because with our broken state of California my kids bring in funds, funds for them to keep their job's~!! My own attorney even stated "They will reinstate your visit's because it's federal funding." Yes sadly like the bible say's money is the root of all evil .  So very, very sad human lives are used in this way and all the while my poor innocent children have been "victims" of the system, being abused in so many way's that they will emotionally carry the scars for good as the two same loving, caring & sheltered girls will come back very different~!! They have been even kept from family as my parent's and my oldest daughter have both tried countless times to get them. My parent's house was checked not once but twice and then my father was made to have fingerprints done twice because he has rheumatoid arthritis so is so bad his hands are crippled badly & it was very painful & even after that they claimed my parent's didn't fill out proper papers & dropped it. Then even though my oldest lived with me her entire life until 24 with her sister's they claim she can't handle their "special needs" even though she was so good with her sister's all their born lives, just another excuse because they want to make sure I never see or touch my girls again, HORRIFIC I say & this is the truth~!!   So all I can do is pray to my Holy merciful, loving, caring God and hope it is his will to reunite my family someday soon and as he promises to bring something out of evil for his good. 
One last thing "What better way to control a mother than to take full control of her children" this is the mind thinking of social services in my case for sure~!!

                                                

GOD OF WONDERS

* How do you ACT in a impossible situation ? *

How is it you usually act in the most impossible situation ?  

1. Do not grow bitter @ God.
2. Focus on what you do have & not what you don't have.
3. Step out on the bare word of God.
4. Use what you have been given.
5. Appreciate your first breath when you wake up.
6. Give of yourself to others.
7. Thank him for every meal.
8. Learn to use your patience in this time.
9. Spend time devoted to God.
10. Work hard on your "re-actions" to be stronger for the next situation you will encounter in this life.

Always remember :

And we know that all things work together for the good to them that love God, to them who are called according to his purpose.
Romans 8-28


I myself have walked through many tribulations but walking through the fire during this two year loss of my autistic girls to foster care all because of a 3-day stay in the hospital for depression then being diagnosed myself with Aspergers @ 46 & thinking it was social services that was being so wicked with me in keeping my children away from me but reading a book called "Trusting God" has opened my eyes in learning to understand this was God's plan all along to draw me closer to him & I have as I have grown so much in loving Jesus & giving up myself in the flesh in order to find my soul & it's been a awesome journey and I know God is working on me hard to prepare me for his kingdom. You to can be blessed in all areas of a impossible situation if you believe in the most powerful, loving, giving & gentle heavenly father because he is their & wants you to follow & believe in what he can do for you. I pray my story can & will inspire you to accept what Jesus wants from you in ALL situations. God Bless You~!!

                                                

)))) MY SISTER'S KEEPER ((((

 My sister was born premature weighing @ only 4 lbs. despite being so small mom said she was a fighter. When she came home I knew I was going to love her none the less. She grew slow & I was always dragging her around in something mostly my baby's buggy as she fit just like the dolls did. I helped mommy change her,feed her & even rock her to sleep. She had many problem's as their were many visit's to the hospital & doctor's office through it all we were the best of buddies. I sang to her when she was scared & told her stories about Jesus to comfort her @ night. We both actually had feeding issues @ 6 month's I was even in the hospital with a feeding tube up my nose but mom later found out we had a wheat & gluten allergy and issues with milk to. I love my sister & I helped tie her shoes so we wouldn't be late for the bus, I even fixed her breakfast some times so momma could sleep a little longer cause my sister didn't always sleep well at night. I remember one time when we took a bath together I washed her hair & made it look like a mo-hawk with the shampoo. I played many games with her & even hid so hard during hide 'n' seek I'd finally give myself up it was to hot in that closet. We have grown so close as we are only 19 months apart anyways. Being she went to the doctor a lot she like to play that but with me getting all the shot's & stuff down my throat but I let her knowing that's what good sister's do. I even showed her how to draw her own name when she became frustrated & couldn't do it alone. We shared many,many good times together even when she was diagnosed with autism @ 7 yrs. old I told her don't be sad, your still very smart & are better @ the monkey bars then me & later when I was diagnosed with Aspergers @ 11 she said now we really have a bond & your way more talented at drawing then me so we each have something to be very proud of in ourselves. Our bond is strong and will be united together forever & always because we are sister's. I love you my little sis~!!!   M.S.

**GOD IS SO GOOD**WHAT ELSE IS LEFT TO BE SAID** 2-17-11

God is so very good, if you put your faith,trust & immerse yourself deep in his love he can fill your life with so much hope & goodness. I am so glad he listens when you speak & seek him for a deep intiment relationship with him as I have learned through my tribulation. If we want a God to follow we must build this relationship that can't be broken by no one & if you really give your heart to him and ask for him to change it, he absolutely will for the better it's such a awesome feeling. You can survive ANYTHING~!! I will assure you this. Your heart can be ripped out of your body literally but God himself will repair your pain & give you the strength to go on. It's some work as you must really want this relationship & believe he is our creator & he gives ALL things to us and he can transform your life. I went from homelessness to having a car to keep me safe & all the time I was homeless & struggled I seeked God, read his word & clinged tight to his promises & he restored my housing of 22 yrs. I lost to getting me back into a apartment & paying for the full $800 deposit on the place so now 6 mos. later I am in a home with my service animal that laid on the floor board of my car every night with me the 5 months I was homeless but now she has her bed & toys & is a happy dog again. God supplied ALL my needs when I was homeless even to the point I went & stayed a week with my parent's to get out of the car & the very second day I got their I was placed in the hospital with the removal of my gallbladder but my parent's were their to watch my dog and I had a place to heal so God knows where you need to be when things take place as this did, he provided extra money to my daughter when working so she could supply extra funds to me while I was homeless, he provided a place to go eat one hot meal a day @ a bread of life shelter where the word of God was preached so despite our trials God was ALWAYS their for me and show me he is my daddy & loves me very much. Our tribulation's are to teach us perseverance & build character in us and if we allow it we grow in the most difficult times we go through. So now I will not allow the enemy anymore time in my life to bring me down because I have grown so much & given so much grace. God also proves what the enemy means for harm God brings together for our good. I am going to build myself up & walk my 5 miles a day I have been doing & praise his name every step of the way. His arms are stretched out wide now all you have to do is embrace him & the desires of your heart's will be filled.

                                                               

~UNBELIEVABLE STORY~ OF FAITH, HOPE, LOVE & JOY FOR JESUS

                                                            

Wow can you believe a woman can go through all of this and still survive ? Yes because I was given immense courage & unbelievable strength from a wonderful source "My heavenly father"  and I am giving him all the glory. I will surely have a testimony to share of despair,depression,homelessness,tragedy to strength,perseverance & the will to live & become something special to Jesus so God get's all the glory. Yes I have battled depression most my life,some suicide attempts & self injury behavior but never understood why. I had 3 beautiful daughters & two affected with autism & I was diagnosed with Aspergers after I lost custody of my two girls in 2009 for depression I was 46 yrs. old & since my girls remain in state's care 22 mos. later because I am being discriminated against for a disability I have lived my entire life with & raised three girls basically on my own (but really this is part of Gods plan). My oldest is 26 & I have a awesome relationship with her. So despite all I have done to prove I know how to parent social services chooses to keep my girls even after me losing my housing sec 8 of 22 yrs. & became homeless for 5 months living in my car with my service animal I hold no anger in my heart for the evil as I even prayed for my enemies & thanked Jesus for my car that locked & kept me safe. No it wasn't easy but after 5 mos. of no home Jesus restored my housing & now I have a 1-bedroom apt. Jesus has chosen me to grow,love,learn & accept all these people I didn't understand with a open heart. I am glad I was able to see my areas that needed change & change it for the better. My girls have suffered more abuse & neglect then ever with me but Jesus had to suffer for us so as I think of his pain it eases mine. I have come a long journey & have changed my mind in the way it thinks so it set's itself on good thoughts instead of bad. I am proud to be who I am now as Jesus has taught me a lot on loving myself who he preciously created. The hand of God is in control of my future not anyone else & if I can do this through Jesus anyone can who really want's to. As all my depression & anxiety I have battled for years just disappeared one day. I became very disciplined in my daily walk with Jesus giving all the credit & glory to him & I am transformed a new creature. @ first I wanted to die when all this happened but Jesus had another plan for my life and I am so grateful because I do have a purpose as each one of you do. My family will be restored as I have much faith in my father & I will be even a better christian mother then I was before so he does do what he say's in his good book. Despite the parental alienation the department has done my children will never forget who their mom is and how much they love me for the good mother I was as Jesus already has shown this to me. Many night's of tears & despair has gone away as I don't offer the devil a ride anymore because he ain't taking over the driving~!! I am strong & no longer have a need for depression,self-injury or allowing evil to have it's way with my soul as I am a firm standing,proud child of the most high. It is my prayer my story can inspire you to live a joyful,content christian filled lifestyle for all who are important to you. 

May God bless all your day's ahead

                                                                

What is Gods plan I wonder ??

                            
I have a court date scheduled for Feb 17th and because the county of San Diego has nothing else to pin on me, well a warrant for my arrest has been issued but "held" by the court until our court date. I wonder what is Gods plan for my life ? I am so in love with my awesome daddy nothing is impossible with him so if it's "his will" so be it. The funny thing out of all this is social services thinks their in control but my awesome savior has taught me so much about living for him,following his direction and unbelievable discipline that has transformed my soul. I have been walking 4-6 miles a day,eating very healthy & quit drinking soda (cold turkey)& did it~!! I have lost 20 pounds and feel great~!! So even though I have lost my children temporarily I have learned so much about the person I am to be,a beautiful child of the most high and given so much grace I can do so much even as a adult on the autism spectrum because he does not make junk. I love myself more then I ever thought possible and as I walk each day like him I have learned to love,socialize & communicate with very many individuals that don't seem to find anything wrong with me. So with that said it is possible with Jesus as your savior living inside of you. God has a perfect plan for my family and I have much faith he will restore it soon. I am so blessed as my God given spirit has awakened to such a high I will be & live happily ever after. My story God knows & that's all that really matters because it will be him that knows the ending and I am fine with that. I am so happy now to understand the sovereign love God has for me to have gone through this tribulation as I was NEVER alone he has been their the entire time and I am forever grateful. Thank you Jesus for giving me the gift of life & learning to walk passionately with you on this journey.I praise God to be me~!!

                            

SATAN~ comes to kill, steal & destroy~!! A black widow is no different~!!

   If you let the enemy in they will devour you~!
Social services is no different as their run by people who do not,nor will not live in the light. It's sad,it's horrific what goes on when nobody's looking. The torture,abuse,neglect is unimaginable in a child's eyes.Our government is corrupted with evil hands.We surely must pray for such lost darkened souls.They lie in every report ever written up,they never ever take into an account of what the child really want's.They leave them alone and unattended in harm's way.Never is a child allowed to speak & when they do their not heard~! What more could these vicious evil people do? Enough damage is done day by pain staking day of
emotional,mental,physical,& psychological abuse @ the hand's of a broken system that NOBODY cares to fix~!! I will never ever stop speaking my mind on how I feel & see this corrupt evil system they call CPS and say's it's their for children in need. Aw as the devil is sly with his words so is social services this is why I believe they go hand in hand with the BLACK WIDOW. She is dark,discrete & tangles you so tight in her web you'll never see daylight again.So watch out my friends as she is always on the move & only takes seconds to attack.
In proverbs: 1-11 If they say "come with us" let us lie in wait for blood,let us ambush the innocent.This is exactly the way social services helps families. Please keep us in prayer as the power of good is much stronger then any evil as no demons are a challenge for God~!!                                                           

**Montanna's note to God**

Legal child abuse in the USA

COURT TRIAL 1-27-28-2011

                                           
 Two day's of court & I am more then exhausted and taking xanax as well makes it worse but it's the only way I can handle the stress of the courtroom. I was disappointed before it got underway as I was told my youngest Shellbe would not be coming to testify or to be able to see me. I was heartbroken to say the least. When Montanna arrived she was around the corner so I moved closer for her to see me but still had to say "  Montanna wanna come see your mom"    she finally wondered over and as we began to talk I asked her why she wanted to stay where she was @ because she had told me that. Her response was "  because mom they give me so much more then I could get from you"   I was so hurt, & I said well go sit down then as I can't fight this battle alone & I'll just fight for Shellbe. I realized later I probably shouldn't of said that but imagine the blow to my heart. Later when Montanna and I were talking about something concerning family a women came over and said "  you can't talk about thing's like that".  It is so very hard to have relationship with my daughter anymore. I don't always understand all the mumbo jumbo (processing issues) in court but social services asked to pass two 388 motions in order for me to not have any contact with my girls and he passed the one for Shellbe due to the county's lies of that I pulled my daughter's arm and hurt it, despite no evidence found and they didn't bring her to testify believing she is to stupid with her autism when she is a very bright child. So I just sat their and sunk inside so no contact with Shellbe. The judge did order I could have phone contact with her which I didn't get before so that was a plus. Then Montanna got on the stand and spoke up and said she wanted a relationship with me and when asked if I have ever hurt her or Shellbe she said "  No"    then she was asked are you close to your mom "  yes"   so she was excused to leave for school and a dance she was excited about. I wasn't allowed to hug or kiss her goodbye. I feel my bond has been sabotaged because she seems like she has distanced herself and it breaks my heart. Her 388 motion was denied I can visit Montanna in a supervised situation so we are trying to do it out of the realm of social services with the doctor I saw recently for another evauluation who again diagnosed me with Aspergers. He said he would offer our visit's @ his office, their supervised by someone who works with & understands autism plus individual therapy for me. So I am going to work on this. Social services is such liars as that's all they do, my attorney cross examined & called on the phone Shellbe's previous social worker even when asked by my attorney do you think Shellbe's anxiety is bothered more because of her autism and he stated well autism is her mother's diagnosis we have others then she said were you aware Shellbe has mild cerebral palsy & he again said "  That's the mother's diagnosis".  Shellbe has been diagnosed by the autism clinic @ university of Washington state & then again when hospitalized in a psychiatric hospital by a child psychiatrist so again who's the ignorant ones ? Now they brought up my internet posting's so they set a court date for that Feb 7th but I deleted my facebook account & this site is private as you need to sign in. They also gave Amber their sister unsupervised phone contact even though it was never court ordered to be so before & then the girls are suppose to get to go visit my ailing parent's soon but was ordered I was not to be there~!!  I am just going to keep praying and hope someday God will return my babies although they will be almost grown women maybe. All I can do is keep my fight for justice and pray for a miracle that's all I am living for as you must all believe I am no criminal & by no means did I deserve this treatment. May God bless me & my children. If not here on earth my reward will be in heaven with Jesus and that's all I must live for~!! Thanks to all who follow me and care. 

 I AM WHO GOD CREATED ME TO BE~!!!!

                                           

*** THREE MONTH'S EXACTLY *** A momma lost without her babies

                                                               

  Today is January 19th 2011 exactly 3 months ago I was cut off my entire contact  with my precious girls. This is beyond cruel as none of us has done no wrong~!! To alienate a mother from her two daughter's & with special needs is way beyond cruel, how these people sleep @ night I wonder but I know I pray for your souls. I am well adjusted due to my savior living within me as I know "people" cannot & will not do anything more to me then he will allow~!! I am strong & will not be defeated~!! It's their souls they must worry about as if your a christian and believe he states in his book "Vengeance is mine sayeth the Lord." I pray everyday & know my wonderful savior will care for his children & keep them safe. Ignorance or just plain stupidity is no reason to tear a family apart. I will never forget a social worker telling me he placed my older daughter in a academy for exceptionally bright children because she could go far as she didn't have the problems me & my youngest had, now if that wasn't insinuating our intelligence I don't know what it was. Night's are the hardest time for me because it was because I was their every night to tuck them in for bed, kiss them goodnight, tell them how much I loved & cared for them and of course their big hugs. If you think any human being on the spectrum doesn't have a emotional connection with those they love & care for well I am here to tell you your absolutely wrong~!! I connected on every level & even added some of my own. Our bond will NEVER be broken no matter how hard social services tries. I am their momma and will always be. My older child once said "Mom you know even if they kept me until I was 18, you know right where I'll come back to." She's aware after 18 anyways the state has no more use for them as they don't bring them in funds so as you have heard with many stories of other's they are dumped right onto the street's when they turn 18. As you all know what a sham our so called government is as it cover's up many, many things. Today I will say some extra prayer's for my babies and let them know my dear children you are loved, wanted, missed and will NEVER be forgotten about~!! Keep the faith and let Jesus spirit rule in your heart's and God will do the rest. Praise you my heavenly father. xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo  my beloved daughter's momma's here~!!!!!!

                                                                     

What DEFINES your CAPABILITIES as a MOTHER ? 1-6-11

  What defines your capabilities as a mother ? I thought if you loved, nurtured, directed, feed, clothed, protected, meet all their needs this was a good parent ? Well as I wrote a letter to my current attorney and told her attorney's usually defend people they believe in their innocence and all I wanted was her to believe in me. As I gave my girls the most structured environment I could of ever done and proud of it. If it was for me in seeing to it Shellbe had all her needs met with her physical problems she had like taking her in to see a doctor when she wasn't walking @ 18 mos. and the doctors wanted to ignore it to her prematurity and I said "No, something is wrong" well given a MRI they finally said "She has mild brain damage" so then when she continued to walk 24/7 on her toes I took her in again and was told she had tight heel cords and needed surgery. So after that and out of her casts she was placed in braces for 2 1/2 yrs. this child needed them put on every single day before the bus arrived, well being she couldn't do it herself I was their~!! Then as time went on and Shellbe fell all the time I again took her in to see someone and find out she is almost legally blind in both eyes. Then between her sister Montanna and her they both have had P.E. tubes placed surgically in the ears 10 x yes 5 x each child and I was their for that. Many times Shellbe was hospitalized for rota virus, lung issues, failure to thrive, I lost count but I was their each and every single time. Then Shellbe was up like clockwork @ 4:00 a.m. every single morning getting ready for school, well I surely didn't lay in bed and sleep I was up watching her making sure she was safe. Then she was a runner like many autistic children so I put locks up high out of her reach so she stayed safe in the home. Shellbe was messing her pant's until the age of 7 but if I was persistent like I was and worked hard with her she'd be in diapers today @ 12 again I was their for that. She was behaviorally off the charts biting,spitting,kicking,yelling until some moms on a autistic forum told me take away the wheat,Linda and you will see change so I did for 5 yrs. this child stopped bleeding in her stool, stopped vomiting and her behavior improved greatly but if I had not tried it I wouldn't be a good mom but social services has said "She has been obsessed taking her to many doctor's." and "Incapable of meeting these children's special needs due to her diagnosis." What I say, who was their meeting all their needs in the past and I have had Aspergers my entire life but was just diagnosed @ 46 yrs. of age. So people am I unfit to be a parent due to a mild disability ? Oh and I must mention to those who don't know I have a adult 26 yr. old daughter who is NT and has made her way quite nicely in life she say's "all because of you momma" so you be the judge and let me know your opinions of what characterizes us a a "GOOD PARENT" ??