A Season of memories 12/24/10 at OneTrueMedia.com

Help spread the word that social service is really NO SERVICE to families as they kiddnapped mine 19 mos. ago and I am spending this 2nd christmas alone WITHOUT my girls.

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More then frustrated.........

I wrote a e-mail to my attorney out of anger, frustration and pure despair on what to do anymore. I am so lonely and isolated from my contact again from my girls as this "keep away from Linda" is so cruel~!! I have never ever felt cruelty like this. Our world is filled with dark evil people who love to terrorize the good. It's 2:22 a.m. on 12-09-10 and I just can't sleep because I go into a emotional meltdown just thinking of my girls. I have not seen them again almost 2 months like I was this horrific mother who starved my girls and tried lighting them on fire as I am being treated like I have done something this "horrific" when in fact I went into the hospital for depression 3 day's and I have lived 18 mos. of this terrible nightmare. Please Lord let me wake up. I just pray daily,nightly and read books by Joyce Meyer "Why God Why" and "When God When" to help get me through. I just pray the good Lord keeps my girls safe from harm. I have lived my entire life being autistic and never once was it a issue until CPS comes in and makes them apart of my life and then my disability becomes a huge problem, it just shows the department of social services doesn't have much empathy of "special needs" people as I have been disguarded as a parent like a piece of trash~!! Oh well my girls are strong with what I instilled in their souls early on so I don't really have nothing to worry as they all do when time to answer to our creator. Pray for their souls!
You will be missed this holiday season my precious girls but never far from my mind. Shellbe turns 12 yrs. old on Sat as well, wish her a big birthday wish, PLEASE~!!
                                                               xoxoxoxoxoxxo momma

                                                                         

COURT DATE 10-25-10

                            

I went today knowing it would be harsh but had no idea how harsh when I arrived I found out that in their report the department had wrote up they accused me of forcibly yanking my daughter #11 behind me and that they took her to the emergency room but unfounded evidence~!! Still as Montanna's attorney pleaded how frustrated Montanna was by all of this and the stress the visit's were becoming under this strict supervision she doesn't like or think is nessasary as her attorney spoke and stated "their is no real evidence their needs to be this supervision" she pleaded on our behalf for 20 minutes to him and as the county social workers sat off in the distance shaking their heads "no" to un-supervision. Then the real shocker came when the judge addressed me by saying "The cops shouldn't of been called and no way will they ever again and #11 was in real pain and even though I don't think you meant to hurt her I won't tolerate these kids being hurt~! I spoke out of turn saying "It didn't happen" it only made him upset so I got up a said I need a break and letf crying with utter disbelief. I would never nor did it happen would I hurt my daughter in anyway. So the department was asking to suspend all visits for now until they file a 388 which I believe it's a motion to take my parental right's away because #13's attorney said not until we have a trial on this your honor. I am at loss and my faith very shaken and I wonder why God see's this as purposeful. I am in depression for sure but I will try and go on. I wrote a very long 3 page letter to the director over cps. I sent in all facts of proof of stuff I have done and was asked to do with no acknowledgement by the department of any of it. My life is in great despair as I left the courthouse the 2-social workers and one of their supervisors just grinned as if I saw Satan himself smiling that memory will be etched in my mind for sometime. I have done nothing wrong and yet their wearing on me as if I am hopless and no purpose to be a mother anymore. Why oh my precious God, why me,why did you choose me for Satan to toy with? I leaned into #13 and told her I love you my girl as she fought back her tears. Daughter #11 was never brought to court. This will be my last time I have sense to feel the deep loss I feel as my body is going into shut-down mode to feel no pain. I was just a mom,and diagnosed with Aspergers last year has rendered me a life without my precious angels and to be that parent I was alway's a "good mother". They came out and screamed at me not to be reading or sharing the report with #13 and I said I wasn't,they bullied me until tears and I finally removed myself from the situation all done in front of #13 and when I told my attorney I said this is what their accusing me of over-reacting in front of the children how is this any different. She said "It's not". I want to say as we were waiting to go into court #13 went outside with her attorney so I followed, I noticed a book in her hand and asked what it was about she was reading she replied "A girl" and I said "What about this girl" she replied reluctantly "She kills herself" this worried me as she has had some issues with depression and in fact they have placed her on meds for this and she has refused to go to therapy and talk to anyone and this was said in front of her attorney. Oh please pray for mercy on my soul as I feel as if my entire body is emerged in painful soares all over as it goes deep. Never in my life have I ever and my girls suffered so horrifically.Our family is broken and I fear it's just another case fallen in the cracks forever.

**Visit that didn't happen, so sad** 10-19-2010

I am beyond disbelief this is happening. I took so much pride in making cupcakes,getting milk in the ice chest,cups,games just to make my visit so perfect. I battle a deep rain storm, a accident on the freeway but arrived just on time. I went into the office to find Shellbe and I was told to go to the room for the visit and has I had many bags,ice chest and yet no one offered to help me so as Shellbe tried we paused and both asked why Montanna wasn't their for the visit so all they told us was ask Montanna, she's at school so I became upset as did Shellbe because she has been kept from her sister as they were both promised last friday they would get together for a sibling visit it never happened according to Shellbe and it was court ordered a month ago for sibling visits to start right away. Then the social worker said "we tried" so Shellbe became very distraught and clinging to me saying mommy I don't want to go, I want to stay for a visit but I had already swore accidently out of frustration so they said come on Shellbe were not having a visit. She again asked where's my sister. They said "At school" Shellbe said "Schools out,momma I think they put her in another foster home" and she really became upset saying "I have a voice,listen to me. My mom is a good mom and I miss my sister,my mom waste alot of gas to come here" I tried to console her and I was asked "Linda your the adult better make the right decision" I again asked where's Montanna. He said "You need to get a supervised phone call and ask her" I said "She won't call any memeber of her family anymore due to this mess and the suprvision" So I again tried to encourage Shellbe to go but she said "Mom what their doing is wrong and I have a voice and want to tell the cops my side of the story" O.k. Shellbe so the cops came were very nice and more understanding then the staff memebers. Finally I was told to say goodbye so as she cried all the way to the car and didn't want to go, she left. I finally asked the supervisor Rex why wasn't Montanna their he again said "call her" as the cop stood their I agan said"Why didn't Montanna show up" he said "She just didn't want to come she is here,but choose not to come and I don't know why". I said "Montanna has done some self injury behavior to and may think of suicide as they have placed her on meds she is unclear what they are when I asked her. I told him if my daughter hurt's herself in anyway I am holding each and everyone of you accountable got his card and left. I am so pissed off as he is a psychologist and allows these kids emotional abuse to still go on. I am NOT a threat to my girls but I was never called before hand explaining Montanna would not be their where I could of processed it better and explained it to Shellbe so instead my impulse takes control because all I see is my daughter is going downhill and didn't want to visit us for what deep seeded reason ?  I only get 1-hour once a week and I expect to see my children as I have been told if I am not going to show they need a 24-hour notice or my visit WILL NOT be re-scheduled. I am going to contact the media,papers,more lawyers and show this is such a bias case of pure discrimination against my entire family. For lands sake I was just a mother, a good mother,never hurt,harmed,neglected my kids in any way and yet look at our treatment now 18 months later. Anyone if you can help me to go to Wa, DC to pass a bill for people like me. "LINDA'S LAW" No more discrimination against disabled individuals please let me know what I can do.

Sharing a video I created & shot of my daughter's request for God to listen.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=54Cx1oAkn_4 

My visit on 10-12-10

                                                  

This is very sad I must say as today was full of silence as none of us had much to say I guess. The toll is evident on my girls faces as their in fear of what to say. I asked daughter # 11 to pose for me as I was going to shoot a cell phone picture and was ordered to stop and said if you proceed were terminating the visit. It wasn't ever court ordered I couldn't take pictures it was only said not to place new stuff concerning the girls placement or pictures of them.  Which I have followed as I have the right to freedom of speech concerning what I am not happy with for what the system does to innocent families. My girls are lost in their own world as I don't feel a presence of closeness anymore which excites the social workers involved in their purpose to what they wanted to succeed in. It's a shame a good mother can be so disgraced and treated in this manner by such a corrupt system that isn't looking out for the best interest of my girls, for instance I was given papers to file with the court if I am against putting my child #11 on psycotropic meds again for the 3rd time with 6 different meds while in state's care. Since they won't listen to her own mother about a diet GFCF I had placed her on for 5 years after mom's of a autistic support group told me to try taking the wheat food away and see if their was a change and WOW was their, her attenion,aggressive behavior,vomitting,blood in stool and eczema all ceased. She talked better,slept better,focused better and all the biting,spitting,kicking etc... went away I had a different child. Now because she won't focus,behave,has eczema,surely blood in the stool and still shows signs of some aggressive behavior towards her own dog but they believe their "fix" is to medicate the child with many different meds to get her under control. So it was evident today she has lost some weight since her last visit and was very quiet and unresponsive to me talking to her. I am very concerned. How can this be o.k. with America ? I am baffled I don't have more outrage from other families and media attention to these children's suffering and being used as a lab rat is. Child #13 was not as angry today but very quiet as well. I asked why she is not connecting to her family with phone calls and she claims she's (busy) or said "everytime I go up to the office to get someone to supervise the call their is never nobody who can." She is in despair as I am. I am going to fight as far as I can possibly go even to Wa. D.C. to pass "Linda's Law" so nobody disabled will ever have to indure severe discrimination as we have as a family. All the attorney's I have spoken to are very aware it is truely wrong in our treatment so at least their viewing this from my perspective as it is the truth~!! I will never, ever give up doing what needs to be done for my girls and others so I will get justice in this world. I have nothing to be shameful for and I will not allow this corrupt entity to slander,mistreat,discriminate,abuse,neglect and use us as they have as we will win in the end. I will never give up sharing my story so the world can here how one autistic mother took it to the extreme to raise awareness to help other autisitc's to know you can use your disability to your full ability and overcome anything in life.

                                       God be with you all, Linda Souza

**A letter to my 3 precious girls**

Dear my 3 precious girls,

      Momma want's each and everyone of you to know how special you all are to me. From the day I watched you move amazingly around in my tummy to the touch of your tiny toes. You all were very much wanted and created by God for his purpose but given to me to raise and instill his values. Each time I think of a fond memory of my time with each one of you it tickles my heart with so much joy. Their was so many wonderful moment's I keep deep in my memory of all my time,love and joy I was given to raise you and bring you up to be who you are today. I am proud of each of you individually for all that you've achieved. I knew the moment you were handed over to me I got the best gift this life would ever offer. I will never afford Hawaii I am sure but you were so much more breath taking then a place I could ever go see. All the boo-boo's could never be enough for me and the teaching of responsibility was my gift to you. Our laughter alway's filled the room as so did the tears on many of my sleeves. I watched you all as you slept so peacefully filling good in my heart knowing you were protected and safe with me. With each bath you were given I'd feel the softness of your hair. Your smile was bigger then the state of Texas and your heart worth any amount of gold. As I watched you grow I was that much more thankful it was I that had been given this chance to be your momma. All the christmas tree ornaments you've made for me will alway's be cherished and all the "I am sorry mom" will be forgotten. I am glad for all those skinned knee's and bruised heads I once kissed. I could never regret my past with my children as their my finest fruits to remember. I am your piece that is missing but in no way fogotten. Our relationship has not yet ended together we are merely seperated for a time. Our bond will never be broken as were connected by eternity. I love each and everyone of you the same and never have any of you brought me no kind of shame.

                                                    Love your mom  

GOD OF WONDERS

Court Date 9-24-10

Well today went exceptionally well I believe as the girls didn't come home but I was ordered to get much more services for my family to bring us together so praise God for this. It was aparent the judge was very impressed with both girls and how they have grown and he mentioned to me this doesn't represent just because there out of my care. So as of now were still being "supervised" and I was told the judge ordered that the county must observe the difference between my next few visit's and increase my time for sure~!! I am excited the children's attorney as mine is very confused on why I am under such restriction and agree's it need's to be lifted so in a month thing's should change. The judge also ordered more time between the siblings to have vists all day at least twice a month. Then he ordered the county to find a therapit's for us all who understand's autism to do family therapy. He did say he believed I get very frustrated not understanding the system or dealing with him giving discreation to the county. So he assured me he was watching this case very close and was going to set trials every month to evaluate the difference in the visit's. The girls attorney stated # 13 and # 11 both have stated many,many times they want to go home and she agree'd with my attorney that they need to be with their mother. So my attorney claims things are getting better and closer to the return of my girls. I guess God's not finished working on me yet. He also stated as the county keep sayin we want all her pages off the internet he agreed I wasn't being vicious about my post and said you just can't post the girls pictures or names to I am now referring to them as #13 & #11 so you will know who they are. So thank for all the prayers and concern for my family. It will get better because  God is in control. So thank you Jesus~!!

My visit 9-21-10

What a awesome visit I had with my two beautiful daughter's. I am a very proud momma of my girls and their ability to cope in a situation they never asked to be in. We played uno and another rock game Montanna loves and laughed and really enjoyed each other's company. I made a special desert made with strawberry cream cheese, strawberry jam, cut up apple bit's and topped with vanilla almond granola and served on ritz brown suger cracker's they absolutely loved it as I did and I don't like cream cheese but it was good~!! I alway's make special things for my precious girls that's just the type of momma I am. Even both the supervisors noted what a wonderful visit it was. I am showing love from my heart as jesus is transforming me to "love" in a better aspect of even people I don't really like all that much but his heart radiated love as I want to do. My life is better as I have started medication, I have a part-time job bathing dog's and I certainly worked hard on getting into my own place so the girls would have a home to come to. My neighbor hood is a nice one and I am preparing to give cookies to all my new neighbors to share in what christ has asked of us to "love thy neighbor as ourselves" and I am happy. I have no more ill feeling's of depression or anger and I am living my life to the fullest. I am attending court in the mourning and leaving it in God's hands as he know's if it's time or not. I have come a long way and Jesus knows my heart and he is all that really matter's to me on what he think's and see's as my growth in him. Just pray~and know he is in total control~!! Thanks for reading and stay in touch as I can only post on facebook for you to see my blog as it was set to private to please them as is my facebook so no social workers can view and my attorney said this is fine. God bless all of you.

                                                      

~Today's visit~9-7-10

                                                                   

Today was just awesome as I had a wonderful time with my precious girls. Montanna had come home from school for being sick so they weren't sure if she was going to show but do you think she'd miss her momma over a tummy ache, I think not~: )  I am ever so important in my girls lives no matter the time and distance put between us. I prayed very hard for my heart to spew nothing but love and it did, as God is alway's faithful to my prayers. Shellbe was ms. talkative because she missed me last week but loved her chocolate milk momma put on ice for her and their chocolate chip cookies as I never go without a ice chest with drinks and a bag of snacks as I have alway's been a thoughtful momma to my girls. Just to see their beautiful smiles made my heart melt like butter. Montanna is so smart, she's bored in science cause their not doing anything "deep enough" for her brain. There growing up and at least I am allowed to watch my girls grow and I thank the good Lord for that. I took Shellbe's pictures this week to her of her family, and Ronald McDonald and last was her and Tanna together. I told her to put them by her bed when she say's her prayers she can see her family. She said "Momma your alway's in my heart" so my baby has her angels around her taking care of her so it makes me feel better as she also said "God has angels looking out for me" and every picture I have done of Shellbe has orbs on her so their is I know at least the one that Shellbe told me when she was 3 and was taken into foster care after her father abused her and I went into the hospital with a nervous breakdown after I found out their was evidence found on her. At the foster home Shellbe was locked in a room and not allowed outside of it and one day on a visit she told me about "Darla" how she was very bright, and very beautiful with lots of colors and she explained how she visits her and keeps her company,she's my friend she said. I know God had a "Special" angel then as he does now because of Shellbe's autism and trusting people as she does. I know Shellbe has seen something beyond what we will ever see here on earth. God takes care of his children. I am so thankful for this tribulation to work for the good in my life to trasform my heart to be full of love and obidence for my father. I have learned so much and give thanks everyday for all of what God gives and even takes away because I am closer to that enchanted kingdom I will forever be with my precious girls for sure. Thank's to all for reading my blog and if you give your heart to Jesus you can overcome any tribulation you encounter and it only makes you wiser and stronger for him.
May God richly bless each one of you like he has me.

~~My Visit~~ Aug 31st 10

                                                          

Today I had a wonderful visit with just Montanna as they claimed Shellbe's school would not allow a supervisor from the department of social services to pick her up, but funny thing Shellbe told her grandma the social worker was just out the day before and never mentioned her visit. So that makes 3 weeks of not seeing her and 2 weeks for Montanna and they claimed they were getting a "expert" in autism to check me out before I saw the girls again being they were trying to say I was unstable but it's in my opinion just another way of "keeping me from my girls" and I was told today by a staff member where Tanna lives that (if the visit's go well I see the girls if in their opinion they don't go well I won't see them) so again it's about watching if Linda's ability is pleasing to them not about my girls mental health on needing their only parent thier mom~!! Because their was never any doctor standing by. I have to share this as I was absolutely blown away by something that did take place that really makes you see this isn't about two neglected little girls that need protection from their mother. I was sharing a story with Montanna about my service dog and how she had sensed their was somethng wrong with me one day and pawed at me in the car while I was driving and dizzy until I went to the hospital then she stopped as I proceeded to explain to my daughter I was diagnosed with Vertigo (inner ear) I was stopped at "diagnosed" and told to redirect my conversation, which I did but was confused. So Montanna went on to explain how the foster parent's took her to see a Jennifer Aniston movie about her wanting to get knocked up and switching the "male stuff" around and the lady who does the supervision from a outside agency went off laughing like mad, I was floored and said "Oh this is appropriate conversation for us to be having" so I expressed I wanted to talk to someone after my visit. I brought her some stuff from Claires in the mall, 2-bible study books,one meant for girls 12-18 about boy's,friends,marriage and God. I asked her if she got to go to church and she said "no but I'd like to" so I mentioned to them it was really her religious right to go and they said "Well talk about it" and then I told Tanna, your grandparent's and sister say they never hear from you and would like you to call them, again I was shocked by her responce "I was told NOT to call any of my family" I asked her who told her that she said "My social worker" so as you see this isn't about two badly mistreated children that need to be restricted from a terrible mother it's "CONTROL" and parental alienation ~!! I loved on Tanna and shared with her our great bond we do have and she shared how she will be the campus photographer and won some money on her pictures (proud momma).  I was later asked "How do you think it went " I said "Great I love my girls and never have I had a issue with parenting or communicating with them"  I later told the supervisor I have a problem with people just taking my daughter to movies as a mother I may not approve of and I explained I used to watch a movie prior to letting her watch it and her responce was "Well Linda we can't call you everytime they want to take the girls to a movie" so I said "Well I do have my parental rights and would like to say she in't allowed to see a PG-13 movie without her mother" her responce "Well you know this will probably upset her she can't go with the other girls" big deal I am her mother and care about what she's exposed to as I have alway's instilled values in my girls,took them to church,showed them morals and yet their in (protective care) from me and not going to church,watching whatever,seeing girls stealing alcohol and getting drunk onsite where she lives Tanna shared and I am the parent with the problem ?? I see she is already wearing eyeliner under her eyes, I probably wouldn't allow at just 13, she's not a high schooler only 8th grade. My mother commented to my dad and said "Those kids are good kids and behave well because of the way Linda raised them" and you know that is the absolute truth. I missed my Shellbers and it will be a long week for us both as I am sure again they won't take any extra efforts to connect us before out next schedled visit. It was ordered Aug 5th when we went to court to get the phone calls back going do you know I have not yet almost a month later talked to either child on the phone~!! It just really makes me wonder what in heavens name did I do to my girls to be kept from them in this way. Absolutely NOTHING this is the evil in our world, tearing good,loving families apart. Please continue to pray everyday because GOD is so much more powerful then any evil and when God is done molding me and using me for his purpose my girls are coming home. I am strong,stable and tomorrow moving into my very own apartment and I have a job working for a lady who owns a dog grooming bussiness washing dogs and I haven't worked since I was 18 so I believe this say's alot for me and I am very capable of raising my girls. God is good, loving and watching out for me in everyway. I even took cookies to all of them and a card expressing forgiveness and explaining I want to to learn how to parent better, willing to be calm and listen to them and I appreciate them all working with me. I even did to the housing authority telling them the same thing as I did not work well with them either at one time so the director was blown away she started to cry as I told her this was all because of the gracious gifts God's placing within my spirit to change so I even thanked him today for my tribulation to mold me more like him. It's all good and God will see me through this and my life will even be better because of it. Stay blessed you all. I am going to be fine because of my wonderful savior.

** A letter to God **

Dear God,                                                                                       

         I am writing to you to share my thoughts and ask for forgiveness to some I may have hurt. It was you who created me in all aspects and I know you don't make junk~!! You can create the world in 7 short day's I know you can do wonders by me. As you know the trial I have been given, it's a leap of faith because you hand-picked me of all people to be your warrior. I am learning alot of what I am suppose to do but sometimes my worldly mind and body kick in and here's where I need you, as I need forgivness for this human heart and mind because sometimes it doesn't alway's act right. I need more patience father, patience for you to do the work in me you have planned to do. I need more love father, love to pour out from my soul for people of authority so I can be that example you expect of me. I certainly always need strength father, strength to show the world that is watching I can do this despite the unbealieveable pain it is to live each day without my precious girls. They were yours before they were mine and I know you love them sooo much more then I ever could and I thank you for the time I was given to raise & teach them the direction of you. I pray each day almost hourly for understanding but I know your way's are way beyond more then I could ever imagine. You have a plan for us I know and I will continue to follow and have faith and know soon you will bring this to pass. I love you father for all the things you have given and taken away. Thank you father for the hope instilled in my heart for another day to live for you and to know that I never have to worry as you always provide and care for me this child of yours. Please let it be me, your child of God to be brave and strong even when the tears flow like a waterfall and my mind feels defeated, knowing full well I have nothing to fear. Teach me your way's lord so I can be a living, breathing example of what you want people to know about their purpose for being here. I am weak but you have made me strong and it is you father that laid your life down for me so this tribulation is nothing of what you endured for all of us. I am thankful for this chance to live for you, to show others the incrediable determination I have to be righteous before you. I want to give of myself through you as much as possible. Help me my God to focus on what you want me to do, so I don't blame others for my own mistakes. Show me self-control father so I may be a good example for my girls. Build me up in order to build up others. Have mercy on me father more then anything. I know why the girls are in your care you will protect them and I thank you for this, please keep in their hearts the memories the lives they lived before so as they move forward they will never forget me. Lastly it is my prayer everyone I ever wronged will forgive me. I am learning each day to live stronger, to be more loving, to earn respect, to be patient and wait on you Lord and I never ever could of done this without you father. Thank you Jesus,
                                            your daughter Linda
~~~~ Can you find the door in your heart to let God in ?~~~~ 2 Corinthians Ch 3 verse 2-3
You are our letter,written in our hearts,known and read by all men,being manifested that you are a letter of Christ cared for by us,written not with ink,but with the spirit of the living God,not on tablets of stone,but on tablets of human hearts.

SPIES with EYES

Well sadly I have spies with eyes upon me and they are following me so they can make wild accussations of what they think they have read. All I have to say is the truth, a autistic person is every bit human as the next we just have a harder time with emotions, pocessing, understanding boundries, being blunt, social issues, anxiety, depression, mood issues but when in america did this make you a unfit parent ?  I am different as are so many people not just autistic people. What is the real kicker is the norm are really the ones with the "problems" as they lack empathy, compassion, patience and tolerance for people as me. I am being judge simply because I am "different" and it doesn't matter I am a mother, sister, daughter and I have worked very hard my entire life to do nothing more then to love, care and raise 3 beautiful, wonderful girls. When my youngest was brought home premature and weighed a mere 4 lbs. I was afraid at first I'd hurt her but I knew I had more love and strength in my soul to give this child nothing more but then what she deserved and I did. I spent a total of 7 yrs. of her life in and out of the hospitals because she was a sick child, failure to thrive she got many viruses and the milk and wheat was making her ill. It was I that helped her gain a healthy life later on and stopped her gut from bleeding. It was I that raised all 3 when my two ex-husbands walked out on me. It was I that feel asleep during times I shouldn't because I was so sleep deprived. It was I that stayed up on the internet to the wee hours learning everything I could about autism when my youngest was diagnosed to better help her. It was I that gathered my girls up and moved to a state I'd never even visited after my ex-husband raped my youngest and was still stalking us. It was I that grabbed a child in my clutches when she ran into the street because of her autism. It was I that got head-butted when she pulled a tantrum due to autism. It was I changing beds in the middle of the night half asleep when she wet the bed. It was I that cleaned smeared poop off the bathroom walls. It was I that sat over the toilet rubbing her back when she'd throw up nightly due to wheat intolerances. It was I that bathed her in the middle of the night to bring down a high fever. It was I when they needed disapline. It was I when there were scraped knees. It was I when they needed unconditional love. It was I when the girls had ear surgery for P.E. tubes 5 x each. It was I when my youngest was put in braces for 2 1/2 yrs. due to cutting her heel cords. It was I when my youngest had eye surgery 4 times. It was I when the older child needed her tonsils out. It has ALWAYS been me so surely I am having a hard time trying to understand their philosiphy in why they seem to picture it very different when the children are older,easier to care for,out of their sicknesses and needing their momma so much more during the growing up years of pre-teen and teenage. I will never ever began to understand what they feel their doing to me and my children is right as we can become overwhelmed by a neglectful system, being ripped apart as a family going on 2 yrs., knowing my children have endured horrific abuse in all aspects since being in state's care, lack of concern for our disabilites and yet I am not EVER suppose to show any emotions in being upset, more depressed, sad any normal person would be as well so honestly I think I've been handling things great but see they are trying to build a case against me so they need everything and anything I say blown out of porportion.

**Updated** I lost a visit set for tomorrow Tues 8-17-10 because they choose to believe I am unstable just another way to keep from the most precious people in my life. Pray for a corrupt system that doesn't care about the family unit as a whole anymore. Listen tomorrow on facebook as I am doing a live broadcasting show to air my story publicly.


So for now on I guess I need prayer for me to follow this bible verse better.

Proverbs 21-23

He who guards his mouth and his tongue, guards his soul from troubles.

~A must read~ Guidlines I wrote up to the department of request & questions

It needs to be said~! I sat down by the beach writing this all up as I feel I need answers as I never get any because the department won't aknowledge I am alive. I talked to my first appointed attorney and she explained where this is going the department is now filed this motion 388 i order to "prove" my visit's are detrimental to my girls so next they can terminate my parental rights. So the trial coming up in Sept. 14th is what is suppose to happen they want to prove this so I believe this is why they are making my visits almost impossible with accusations of poor behavior on my part. My God is so much bigger then any evil plans that will prosper as he knows my plan for my life.
Joshua 1-9 is my favorite "Have I not commanded you ? Be strong and courageous! Do not tremble or be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go"
See if what I wrote up was good as I did get some good pointers from a lady in Berkley Ca. looking into my case as they oversee adults with disabilities being misused and abused by our goverment sytems as social services.   READ BELOW:



1) I just would like a response in understanding that in the 16 months so far the children have been in states care there has never been any increases in visit time, in fact it has been decreased and for 2 1/2 months I had absolutely no contact in person or by phone and this was done intentionally by the department as their was a standing court order for both~!!








2) I would like you to explain to me since the department seems to think I have a "Parenting Issue" why haven't I been offered parent-child interaction therapy ?







3) During our current visitations were not offered a specialist in autism although were all 3 autistic. Just two very untrained social workers from the county. So since the department has made my visits and time more stressful with my children and were all 3 being treated very unfairly per our disabilities that present with anxiety and it's been apparent to me my girls are suffering as I am being accused of inappropriate behavior in front of my children and having two county social workers who know nothing about autism, Shellbe is a tri-counties regional center client and deserves this as each time she is made to leave her mother in more restrictive way's as she was ordered last week she became very anxious and started to cry for Montanna. The department is know affecting our right's and dignity as human beings.



4) Working in a "special needs" unit it should be your concern for the affected child you are looking over to protect her emotions,feelings, and long term damage in alienating her from her only parent that has been there and raised her for her entire life and she does have a tight bond with. I would of hoped you could have more empathy on what damage ripping a "special needs autistic" child away from their good parent does to her emotional needs, induce more anxiety which has caused Shellbe to "body pick" something that happens in autism with the person is under stress~!!







5) I want it answered to why I have never seen or been offered a case plan to reunite as a family ?







6) Dr. Marotta gave me a copy of what he said "The department expected of me wanted my response to the questions, so I did that and turned it in and the department never acknowledged it can you explain why ?



7) If a parent makes every effort on their own to be reunited as I have :



A. Going into a crisis house to understand behaviors/depression



B. Taking a 6-week course on parenting being the only one in room not court ordered~!!



C. Attending a weekend seminar at SDSU on parenting "special needs children"



All done again finding it on my own and getting certificates after completing only to better myself as a parent and yet the department won't recognize it and work with me on a case plan in order to reunify ?







8) For 16 months I have been under the strictest supervision and many times in writing I have requesed a explanation to this was needed when I was never neglectful or abusive towards my children and yet it has been refused to ever be answered, Why ?







9) The department had two psyc. evals done and it was founded I have Aspergers and depressive disorder back in Aug 2009 and I have seen 3 different therapist none of whom were trained in/or to work with Autistic Spectrum Disorder so I will ask does this reflect you don't want to offer me the proper services for my diagnosed disability in order to better help me reunify with my family ?







10) Since the department is well aware that autism presents with some processing issues and the court system can be very overwhelming, I am requesting that the department offer me someone who works with autistic adults to be present at my next hearing on Sept. 14th that can help me process the court proceedings.



11) We were in court Aug 5th and I got the minute orders and it states I can have phone calls with my children and no where does it state "supervised". So today friday the 13th I waited for my regular phone call with Shellbe and it never came, now again working in your "special needs" unit this should concern you for a autistic child to have as much contact with her mother that has done nothing to her and the child needs a parent-child relationship so if this doesn't have anything concerning my disability why are my children being kept from me ?? Shellbe has much anxiety and not being able to process or understand why your department is keeping her from her only parent is something that will increase behaviors,anxiety,body picking and emotional outburst as she has been having leaving our visits~!!







12) If this wasn't about my Aspergers then explain to me that when other families have their children removed/taken into custody etc... for abuse,neglect,drugs,alcohol and anger issues they all get the red carpet rolled out for them offering case plans to attend treatment centers,parenting classes,anger management whatever else is needed for them to follow in order to get offered reunification services so just because I have a very unnoticeable diagnosis of Aspergers being I went all my life until diagnosed why am I not offered the same as everyone else ??







13) I am going to request that I be offered a interim-case plan meeting and Montanna's social worker along with her supervisor and yourself Steven and your supervisor and then in the event this takes place I will place in writing what accommodations I will need.







One last thing you need to hear, the word discretion is given to you in a huge way and for a mom who just wants' her kids back it's being used to extreme in my case to alienate us as a family~!!















Linda M.Souza

~~ WHAT A DAY ~~

What a day, as it was filled with no sleep as my brain was so wired last night it wouldn't shut down so at 3:00 a.m. I decided to go over to Denny's for free wi-fi and sit and write. Then I went over early to take my shower at the boat docks and usually I am greeted with a kind heart to open the bathroom door but today was different in all my time coming here. I was met by a women I asked to hold the bathroom door, she paused looked at me and proceeded in so I followed. She used the bathroom and left but I noticed a bag with clothes so as I propped open the door to get my clothes, she came back and asked if that was my shoe. I said "yes" and she went in grabbed her bag and flew out of their, I guess she wantd a private shower that morning, I mean they are private she just wanted to be alone in the bathroom. So I took the quickest shower I have ever taken thinking she'd bring back with the calvary I hurried. She never returned. So Lily and I left their to go get a money order to file a credit check for the apartment. I never heard anything today but hopefully a yes tomorrow. Then we were off to the church to pray with someone to get some support for me when I go to my visit's so I am not alone and it's not only one-sided. Then we went to court to get our minute order and new dates for court and a number to call to hire me a new attorney. Then we went to t-mobil in the mall to pay my phone bill and I saw a Claires Montanna's favorite store so I went shopping for her and her sister. I found Montanna some vampire teeth necklace now her 26 yr. old sister want's them. Then I spent a good two hours in the car talking to a lady from berkley, Ca who is going to try and hook me up with some direction for help. Then I thought we'd come to our usual McDonalds and I noticed a crowd and guess who was in the play land the man Ronald McDonald himself playing with the kids, so later when he was taking pictures I explained about Shellbe being in foster care and said "She'd love a picture of you with her service doggy Lily Mae he said "Sure" so we did it. Now ain't he the man~!!  I am ready for bed tonight even if it is the back of a corolla. I am going to read the word and thank Jesus for all he does daily. Good night all, blessings to you.

~ A FRESH START~~A NEW DAY TO BEGIN~~LIVING FOR MY GIRLS~

Today I am going to visit my girls at San Pasqual Academy at 3-4 and I am excited because I prayed with some ladies from church and they told me to not focus on the "people" observing me just focus on my time with the girls. This may sound simple to most but for autistic's it can be overwhelming having constant eyes on you but I have only a hour and I have decided to make this the most powerful,close time I can share with my girls. I have snacks,drinks and a card game ready to be played. I just wished I had more time but God will work on that. I am learning to let go and let God take control. I have learned alot through my journey and all I can do is praise him getting me closer to his kingdom someday soon. I also want to be the best example for my girls I possibly can be. I am going to try and capture a new shot of us together to share with all of you. Montanna is maturing into quite a young women and has lost some weight and looks beautiful. Little miss Shellbers as I have often called her is my full of life, happy go lucky girl most of the time but this has surely caused some real stress on her but she wrote me a "love note" and told me she loved and missed me and she looks at the same moon I look at and thinks of me. My angels are special in every way to me and alway's will be. Follow me and check back later to see how it all turned out. Also I am looking at a apartment I am trying to get into right now, I am excited for what the future will hold for me and my children. Stay blessed in the Lord and love one another as he would want us to do.

Well I was so excited I arrived 1-hr prior but parked down the street to to read the bible and study scriptures. I was fullfilled with the holy spirit and felt ready to do this and was excited to see my girls. I brought a small ice chest with pudding,juice,soda,fruit cups,yogurt,gummy worms, chips and dip man I was prepared. I brought a card game to play. Shellbe arrived first came in and hugged me and said excitely "hi momma" and it was the old social worker who is suppose to be a chrisitan. As I was talking with Shellbe he looked at me and said "In a minute I am going to the car to get you something and I think you already know what it is" I was dumb founded and said "no" so he asked me to walk out of the room and he said "you need a band-aide for your arm" I looked down and notice a small scrape where I must of hit it on something as my skin is so thin is breaks easily and so I was clearly upset being accused of "self mutilating" again as honestly I had no idea I was bleeding a tad. Since I have had a prior incident of self-injurious behavior I am now being victimized by it. Then when I confronted him to ask to talk to him he went around me and said "move" I never touched his body and yet he left the room to get a supervisor and came back telling him it was enough to end my visit, as I went out to talk to the other staff I broke down in tears as the wicked is so trying to ruin my parental bond with my children and make me look like a unfit parent because they have absolutely nothing on me. Their was compassion on the other staff he agreed to sit in and watch our visit continue and it went great and the other worker waited outside. I hugged and kissed my girls and said "I'll see you next Tuesday" but I wonder if I will. The pressure your made to be put under is enough to drive you crazy but I will not let it as I get overwhelmed,upset and very confused for heavens sake these people have ripped my girls away now going on 2 yrs. and I have done absolutly nothing to them and yet I am treated as the criminal. It's such a unfair world and how do you recover what they have stoled from you ? I love and care more for my babies then anybody else could ever do but more because I to am autistic so I clearly "get-it" that other's don't. I fight depression, alway's have and yet through this I am not offered services to help me in fact they make up lies and have distroyed our family unit as a family by seperating us all from each other.This is a hanous crime as I have done nothing to deserve this, I am a human being and deserve to be treated with dignity and respect just like any other. I am a fighter and will go on and the evil will be broken down by the goodness of God. Autistic people have a hard time regulating emotions and this has been one heck of a roller coaster ride so who can blame anyone for feeling overwhelmed and NOT being offered services, how would they expect me to act. I am a adult, but a adult with "very special needs" that should have appropriate people to work with ALL of us as family in this theraputic setting as they call it,  but were given different people each time and only county social workers NOT qualified in any special area to be working with autistic's this is for sure. It's unbelievable that the county will place you in a a drug rehab or a alcohol rehab program if you have this problem to reunite you as a family, even if the father has anger managment problems they'll help him and then place the child back and it's killed but I AM NOT OFFERED ANYTHING through the court system NOT even REUNIFICATION services. What clearly wrong in this picture ?? Jereamiah 29-11 is what I hold onto.

The court date ~~~August 5th 2010

Yesterday's court date didn't at all go how I could of ever imagined. I was elated to see only Montanna as Shellbe was not brought. They changed attorney's for the girls and Montanna stated she didn't like her. As we were called into the court room I was asked if I wanted an attorney to represent me and I said "no" being I wanted to speak and express my dire situation, I thought it would be a good idea but I was wrong as I don't understand all their "legal terms" and I was as alway's ganged up on by a whole department of evil. The judge did acknowlegde I filed the petition for the "contempt" of court as they had done and they passed it off as nothing but the 388 we were to focus on so the judge did nothing concerning it so they got away with keeping my girls from me for 2 1/2 months. When my time to speak, I spoke softly and explained how hard it's been being homeless living in my car after gallbladder surgery, I also pleaded with him on a letter I had from the housing stating they would gladly give me a 3 bedroom if the girls were returned I told him I had this for 22 yrs. and the girls needed a place to come home to. He mumbled some words and I caught the girls are in permanant placement in foster care. I got anxious and wanted to share more so I guess my body language was making him upset and he stated he doesn't tolerate that from his attorney's and wouldn't from me, but I really don't know what I did. So he gave the department the change of order to minimize my contact to once a week in a controlled setting for 1-hour. I left bitter,lonely and very confused. I guess my children aren't going to be coming home. He wouldn't look at any letter's from any of you and I even printed out 6 pages of parent's that have murdered their kids and again asked what did I do to deserve this. Nothing was said. I went to the visit 40 minutes outside of town and seen the girls, Shellbe was elated to see I was alive and gave me a note. Montanna address me with a hug and the visit was "Controlled" by to men who obviously don't have any understanding or compassion of "Special needs" people. I again talked with the girls,I brought them stuff but we were in a small room, they became bored and I was asked not to say this,not to talk of that and I looked at Montanna and said "Can you imagine doing this another 5 yrs." the man with Shellbe jumped up and said I done I am ending the visit 20 minutes in and I said, why and I demanded to stay and have a visit as I became very upset and started to cry, so did the girls and Shellbe grabbed her dog's leash and said "no,no,no, please don't take my dog" cause she knew I had to go. It was so emotional for us all. I don't know what they want of us and I feel their doing this specifically so they can say see she doesn't interact with them well. For heavens sake, I never before had any problems raising my girls. It was over before it even got started and the emotional damage on them both is very evident. They left and I talked with the staff, well cried the entire time as I can't take this emotional rollar coaster with no help for myself. I cannot do this anymore, I am physically sick as my stomach cramps all the time, I was inconsolable down at the beach this morning a older lady came up and asked to talk with me and we did. I just cried as I explained my story. I am not strong enough to do this alone and it's way to hard on my girls so I will figure out something. I love my girls but what has been done to us all is a CRIME and I have absolutely no help so I will never win. Just pray for my girls, they will know I hope of what a wonderful,loving and very caring parent I was even if nobody else believes it. As I am deeply depressed and life isn't any fun without my children. I was a great mother and never did I ever hurt,mistreat,abused,neglect them in any way~!!! Life isn't fair but when a state can come in and rip your own children from you and keep them for no apparent reason, what can a single autistic women do ?

Autistic mom loses custody of autistic girls in SD: Autistic mom loses custody of her two autistic gir...

Autistic mom loses custody of autistic girls in SD: Autistic mom loses custody of her two autistic gir...: "Today is the day before my big court date Aug 5th 2010 to see what's on the agenda next for me being reunited with my girls who were basical..."

Autistic mom loses custody of her two autistic girls in San Diego

Today is the day before my big court date Aug 5th 2010 to see what's on the agenda next for me being reunited with my girls who were basically illegally stolen by a corrupt county and state. I am disabled by depression and anxiety and at 46 yrs. of age just got the diagnosis for Aspergers. I have been on disability since 1991 for the depression but a very short 3-day hospital stay doesn't add up to losing custody of your children for a year and a half when I have never hurt or harmed my girls in anyway~!! It's all a game to these people that say their best interest are the children, this is why my girls are still being neglected of items that they needed that were court ordered to have. This is why my girls were never abused or neglected in my care but have been since being placed in "protective care" as it's called. Since this unjustice has taken place it has made me value my life and being a christian ever so more. I have been made to survive in a world I thought as a autistic adult was my friend but I haven't met many along the way that has cared to really be dedicated as my friend but then there are many followers & friends on facebook I do believe care. I am a survivor, alway's have been because I left a abusive marriage,been through two husbands that sexually abused their own children,been homeless a few times as I am now. Most my family members never "connected" or "understood" my disability so I was basically not acknowlegde for my life as their sibling. My life hasn't been easy but one thing I cling to the word of God as he doesn't make junk and he made me perfectly in his eyes they way he wanted me to be and it was him who blessed me with my 3 precious girls and even thou two are autistic as well, they never ever were treated ANY different!! God knows my heart and how I took care of those girls and he has taught me through all this I was to be following him and I wasn't like I am now. I am not angry, nor bitter I am saddened for the time lost without my girls but God as done an amazing transformation in me and I am glad. I won't say anymore as I will add the other links to read my whole story their but please feel free to follow me and keep updated on what's to come from a autistic women who will never give in or give up. I pray I may be your inspiration for whatever your going through. GOD BLESS U
http://ireport.cnn.com/docs/DOC-395984
http://ireport.cnn.com/docs/DOC-439181
http://ireport.cnn.com/docs/DOC-397737
http://ireport.cnn.com/docs/DOC-474638
http://twitter.com/AutisticSurvive
http://www.youtube.com/user/AutisticsSurvive 
http://www.facebook.com/ASPIE4LIFE